Seeking Happiness

Noah was sitting in my lap, his blonde hair so long now it was starting to curl at the ends. Gracie was fast asleep in her crib, her little chest moving up and down with every breath. My children... my little reminders that Percy ever lived. I couldn't look at them without being hit by a wave of memories. I love my kids, but I also love my husband. Noah looked up at me with those sea green eyes. A tear rolled down my cheek and off the tip of my nose. The look of concern on his face was almost a carbon copy of his fathers. It was so adorable, I gave a little laugh and hugged him tight to me. They are my little pieces of Percy and I will love them and protect them until the day I die.

It's almost christmas now. It's been months since Percy and Nico went missing. According to what Leo and Jason told me they were in Elysium. If Percy was going to be dead I'm happy he is at least in heroes paradise. I almost laugh at the irony. Here I am in new Elysium while Percy is in the real deal. Every night before I go to sleep I say a prayer to all the gods to bring him back to me. The bed felt cold and empty without him. Sometimes I hug a pillow and pretend that its him. Everyone at camp says he is dead. No one's ever said it to my face, but they all think. At first I was in hysterics. I refused to accept the fact that he was gone. But he is... Leo said they only had a few days left before they dies and Elysium killed them. The day I announced his death, the day we burned his shroud, I cried all day. I had never cried so hard in my entire life. Before Percy I would have said I was an independent person. I would have said that I was complete on my own. But now that he's gone I know that was never true. I feel his absence everywhere. I am only half a person without him. I am... empty.

I put on a brave face for my friends. Even manage a smile or two with my kids. The day Jason and Piper got married was particularly hard. It was small, tiny even. If you weren't on the Argo II then you weren't at the wedding. Well Thalia and Luke were there. Thalia is still sick...very sick. But she seems to be improving. They came home from their honeymoon last week and every second they aren't with each other they are with me. Offering to babysit, asking if I want to hang out, cooking meals. It's really a sweet thought, but they don't realize that right now... I rather not watch their newly married love bird romance.

No one has told Sally yet... No one knows exactly what to say. 'Sorry Sally, your only son died. He wasn't supped to, he just had some bad luck and got stuck in paradise...' I have been receiving gifts from her in the mail for the last few days. Gifts for the twins, gifts for me... gifts for Percy. I didn't know what to do with them so I just put them in the closet under the stairs. I hadn't gotten him anything. As much as I would love to buy him a present in the hope that on Christmas morning I would wake up drinking hot chocolate and nectar like nothing ever happened, I knew that would never happen.

I feel like a failure. I have failed him. I only waited a month and a half before I accepted that he was gone. I looked and looked for a way to bring him back... and failed. The only way I will ever see him again will be when I die and hopefully get into Elysium. If it weren't for the twins I may be desperate enough to try that right now. Sure I had a life worth living. Im not stupid I understand that I have the capability of moving on and making something of my life. The only problem is that I don't want to. A life without Percy is a world I don't want to live in.

Noah is now pulling on my pigtail. He's trying to regain my attention. How long had I been sitting here? An hour, two, three? I rocked him back and forth and even hummed one of his favorite songs. I never read to them anymore. That was always Percy's thing. He used to love to read in all the silly voices. I ran my fingers through his hair, it really was getting long. Jason had offered to cut it, but I didn't want my 10 month old to have a standard roman military haircut. I would have to get to it sometime.

Noah's eyes slowly slid closed. I rocked him for a few more minutes before standing up and walking over to his enchanted the crib. The crib Percy's father made. Percy is everywhere in this camp. If I have any hope of escaping his memory I would have to leave. But to leave would be to put my children in danger of the real world. A world full of monsters. I thought about Noah and how one day he'll go on his first quest one day, and how hard it's going to be to let him go. And Gracie... she will one day discover boys and I will have to hold myself back from chaperoning her dates. My heart ached. Percy will never be there for those days.

I looked down to Noah, now sound asleep breathing in synchronization with his sister. A little drop of drool now falling from his mouth. I sighed as I wiped it away. "Just like your father."

Notes