The Rebirth

Nico stared. He really hadn’t seen him in a long time.
It’s been years.
And the wounds were still fresh.
He remembered their fight. Their many fights, actually- on and off, back and forth, constant and steady, all throughout their last months together at Camp Jupiter.
All about the same thing-
“I can’t believe… that you can’t support me on this. I can’t believe that you’ve never been able to support me on this. And I don’t understand why.”
“Have you ever thought about what your sister would say if she was here, watching you try to find her again? You told me about her, remember- Grudges are your fatal flaws? This is a grudge, Nico! Let her go! Let her go! “
“Don’t,” Nico became cold. “Pretend you knew her.”
“Don’t pretend you know who she is now.”
That was a few years ago.
Now he was 26.
And Daniel was 24.
And it’s been a long time.
It was amazing how someone could look so boyish and so dignified at the same time. Daniel really grew into his centurion’s position before finally leaving New Rome, getting taller than even Nico, more muscular arms, more weight to carry on his shoulders. Somehow, that made him stand out even more among his friends- they saw him bear the burden, but they never saw him struggle with it. He instead laughed it away, making it lighter, insignificant, with every smile and buoyant conversation.
Only Nico knew the truth.
“Please, Nico- I feel like you have this crazy obsession, these huge expectations, that… that…”
“I just want my sister back. Again, I ask- why can’t you understand?”
Being in the same room as him still hurt.
He wasn’t sure if Daniel felt the same way.
There was a similar area being built at Camp Half-Blood to match Camp Jupiter, with New York island houses for grown demigods- why oh why oh why did he not buy a house there instead? Why did he have to live here, build his life here, with the man of sunshine just around the corners of the streets, in every Senate meeting he came to listen to?
“I can’t compete with her.”
“You shouldn’t feel like you have to compete with her. She’s my sister.”
He was coming over.
Of course he was. Of course that son of a flower was coming over. Of course he couldn’t stand any negative air in the room towards him. He was Daniel. And Daniel was…
He was the essence of positivity. Nico braced himself, his chest already throbbing.
It’s been years.
It’s been years.
Why is Nico still so pathetic?
“She’s my sister, but you’re… you’re my sunshine.”
But here was the thing, though-
Daniel wasn’t perfect.
He was lovable on the outside, of course. Absolutely radiated love. Everyone loved him back. How could you not? Trick question. You couldn’t dislike Daniel on the outside. Even people who “hated him” were just secretly jealous of his happiness. His ability to cheer up any day. His ability to be completely carefree.
But Daniel wasn’t perfect.
Nobody was.
If he’d gone on acting like he was, Nico might have never fallen for him in the first place.
But the fact that he wasn’t, that he was real, and raw, and understanding, and filled with so much more pain than people realize-
It made Nico fall in love. It made Nico hate him right now, as he watched, apprehensive, of the guy walking over, his sandy hair still fluffy, his jaw more set and rugged, his eyes still a deep brown.
Because Daniel had completely succeeded in making himself everybody’s sunshine.
Even Nico’s.
“If you died, and became one of the Reborn, I’d search for you.”
That’s what Nico had said.
And he meant it.
Because he loved him.
Stupid.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
“But I’d never ask you to, Nico. I’d never ask you to search. I wouldn’t want you to search. I wouldn’t want you to torture yourself. Not… not like this.”
“Then consider your wish granted.”
Unluckily for Nico, Daniel’d been right in so many ways.
His fatal flaw was holding grudges.
And that’s why he couldn’t let go.
Not just of Bianca.
Of Daniel, too.
Even after all these years.
And it’s been a long time.
***
Nico thought back to the day when he realized.
He’d went down to the lake. It was a pretty normal day, in New Rome. Combat. More combat. Some archery, which he officially sucked at. He was looking forward to maybe some, he didn’t know, cuddling, or something. He felt a small glow fuzz around his face. It was so weird. Nico di Angelo and cuddling. Something about it made him tingle in his chest.
Daniel was already there. Of course he was already there. Nico’d thought about- crazily- for a split second rushing up behind him and tackling him from behind, playfully, and he was actually considering doing it before noticing Daniel’s posture.
The slouch, the hands, the head. A body being pulled towards the ground. Every limb dragging, sinking into the dirt.
So Nico walked up quietly. Daniel knew he was there. He didn’t move.
He sat down. All was still. He waited for Daniel to talk, but if Daniel didn’t ever talk the whole night, that was okay with the son of Hades. Nico knew how it felt to just want to let go for a little while.
And it did take a bit of time- at least an hour- before Daniel spoke. “Hold me, please.”
And so Nico did.
His sunshine was shaking.
“Do you want to talk about what happened today?” he asked, carefully folding the body into his chest. His chin rested on the sandy duck fluff hair. He breathed calmly, slowly, to even out Daniel’s ragged breaths.
There was no answer.
“Okay. That’s okay.” Nico said.
“It’s not just something that happened today. Today’s not special. It’s just… every day. I was too tired to keep it all together. I’ll be back to normal tomorrow.”
“Normal around everybody else, or normal around me?”
The question seemed to strike him, like he didn’t expect Nico to be that blunt. It shouldn’t have been a surprise. Nico was always that blunt.
“I guess… both?”
“Don’t be normal around me.” It came out more savage than the son of Hades expected.
Daniel didn’t seem to have a reply to this.
“Be real, Daniel. If you’re sad, be sad. I don’t want the guy with the inhumanly happy feelings. I want you. I want your feelings. The real ones.”
Nico could feel the tension suddenly heightened in the air, and an image of what was happening formed so clearly- his boyfriend was toppling, he was on the verge, he was leaning across the edge, he was struggling, he wasn’t used to needing help-
“Let go for me.”
And with that, his nose and cheeks with the 19 freckles splattered over them scrunched up, and Daniel started crying. Sobbing. He wrapped his arms around Nico’s waist and clung as hard as he could. And they held each other like that for a long time.
And the next day, the same thing happened, except with just a little less shaking. Same with the next day, and the next, and Daniel was more or less back to himself again, but from then on, he didn’t try to hide his feelings, and Nico didn’t hide his, and there were more sessions like that, many more, where heart-shattering sobbing occurred, and Nico realized with a growing certainty over the next few months that Daniel- the lively, lovely, blindingly happy boy that was his boyfriend- was actually more broken than he was.
****
Please don’t come up to me, Nico thought, his anxiety growing at the sight of Daniel across the room at the Senate meeting. I’m not going to run away if you do, but please, gods, just don’t come up to me-
But alas: “Hey, Nico.”
The words were a blow to the stomach.
It might not seem like it, from the surface. They were both talking, right? Which was good, right? This means their bond was healing again, right?
No. It was not as simple as that.
One of the only comforts of staying away from Daniel, no matter how much it hurt, was that Daniel was just as in pain, just as affected, and just as in love as Nico was. Nico couldn’t face him. He couldn’t face Nico. They were both still healing together.
That was done for now. Daniel has taken a step towards moving on. A step in front of Nico.
Or maybe he was more than a few steps ahead. Maybe he was already completely gone.
“Daniel.” Nico wasn’t going to hide. He wasn’t going to produce false cheeriness, false “Hey, man!”s, fake carelessness. Why would he- for pride? His pride had been battered so many times in this area, he didn’t even care anymore.
“We haven’t talked. Since that time. So I thought we should start up again. Because that really sucks, not talking to you. Because you’re a great person to talk to, Nico. Our conversations are interesting, they’re intriguing, they’re not as stupid as some other conversations I’ve had.” A gleam flickered in Daniel’s eyes.
Another blow. He was talking to Nico as though he was just another moth in his collection, just another friend to radiate towards him. He was putting on a supernova show.
It made Nico feel like he was just another person to impress.
I have to, Daniel'd said to Nico once, bewildered at the way his boyfriend showed all his thoughts and sadness to everyone around him. I have to be social. I have to surround myself. I have to drown myself in the laughs of other people. I can't understand how you can be so darn sad all the time.

I don't understand how you can be so darn numb all the time, Nico'd said back, not unkindly. Pretending all the time, putting on a performance, tucking the rest away in a box… How can you keep it up?

I… I don't really see it like that.

“So let’s talk! About your day, your dad, the dead, any other d-words you can think of-“ he quirked a cute flash of a smile.
Nico did let out a small laugh at that, but it was sad. He shook his head. “Sorry, Daniel. I’m not really… all for conversation.”
“C’mon,” Daniel didn’t skip a beat, throwing his hands up in the air and twirling around like a ballerina. “There’s so much to catch up on! Just because we’ve broken up, doesn’t mean-“
“I know it’s been years,” Nico countered, firmly, calmly, quietly. He let the hurt fill his voice. He stared at Daniel straight in the eyes. Something fell across that lean, built face- something of slight confusion or seriousness. “But it still hurts. You were right. I can’t let go of a grudge, Daniel. So I know that you're being the good person by trying to forgive and forget, but I’m not at that stage yet, and it’d just be really, really nice if you could let me somehow get to that stage. I can't talk to you. You have to understand- it hurts to talk to you.”
Nico strongly wanted to walk away, to nurse his chest wounds, but he held his ground, waiting for Daniel to respond. It seemed like the polite thing to do. When he finally got a surprised, stiff nod in return, Nico’s heart broke a little, and he nodded back with a sad smile and walked away.
The worst part is that I know this is only a side, a side that you’re purposely showing me to mask away the other one. I barely know this side. You’ve rarely shown it to me. You must realize that I’m dying to know- Are you still broken inside? Do you still need someone to hold you by the lake? Do you still need someone to help you let go? Do you still need someone to see through your light?
For the first time, there were inklings of doubt scattered throughout his body. He wondered… if this quest to find her… was worth it.

Notes

:((((((((( Dan Angelo ship. Solangelo ship. Percico ship. Jasico ship. Reynico ship. So many ships.