The Original Character Court
Shiloh Briar (resubmission)
[Kara and Laurel (mostly Kara)]
Basics
Name: Shiloh Briar
Age: 13
Gender: Female
Birthday: August 18
Ethnicity: Cherokee and Australian, Her Mom is native to Australia, and her mom's dad's parents were Cherokee
[Okay, you fixed this.]
Hair color: Red
Eye color: dark brown, and kind of make her eyes looks larger because of the dark color
Height: 5'9"
[Wait. I just realized. She's 13 and she's already 5'9"? Average height for female Australian 13-year-olds is 5'2" and the tallest they are is, like, 5'6"]
Weight: 129 pounds
Other physical descriptions: Shiloh isn't skinny but isn't fat, either, living and working her family's farm always kept her well rounded. If she didn't do so much farmwork, and spent so much of her Physical power on her jobs, she probably would be Overweight from her addictive personality. (Explained later on) Shiloh's hair is shoulder-leangth, and usually is Unbrushed and tangled. (I'm going to bring this back up in the personality)
Sexuality: Heterosexual
Personality
Positive traits: Shiloh is very outgoing and is very easy to make friends with. She doesn't talk a whole lot, but when she does, she has meaning and something to say. She's very open about her self to other people, (not to a personal point, though, she does keep some things to herself). She can be very soft at times, and finds that she can develop strong passions for things if she sets her heart on it.
Negative traits: Shiloh is easily addicted, to stuff such as Food. Like, she'll be washing a horse, and after she's done, she accidentonly squirts herself in the face with water, sees how good it feels, and then be spraying the hose in her face for the next ten minutes. She gets in trouble a lot because of this. (Remember my comment about her hair?). Shiloh always tries to be neat, but "time" makes to great of an exuse to check her hair, make her bed, various various. Of course, she ends up doing most things because her adopted dad is from the military.
Other Personality traits: Shiloh is good with horse and dogs. Her two things. Equine and Canine.
Fears/Phobias: She is Pyrophobic, because her mom got injured in a fire.
Fatal Flaw: She tries to please people too much. She kinda already knows this, but she hasn't noted it as her fatal flaw yet.
Also, because she isn't exactly the most....what should I write here? Organized, put-together, clean-cut person, she usually has trouble doing this. She hasn't fought in any big battles so far, so she hasn't had a chance to Discover it as being fatal in any way.
Family and Background
Godly Parent: Aeoulus (note, the brown eyes)
Mortal Parent: Carrie Briar
Other relationships: She has a older brother, mortal, named Jack, who she is brother-sister with. At first she didn't like him, because she was struggling with some stuff at the time. But she grew to love him.
[So Jack is definitely mortal! Cool. Is he also Carrie Briar's son or is he the son of the adoptive parents?]
Leopold Conanoll, Her half-brother who she is good friends with, during her time at camp-halfblood (He's year round).
They have always been good friends. He's a son of Aeoulus...I don't think I made that clear last time...
[okay.]
Poppy Sheldwick, A daughter of Demeter, and her best friend. They're both Summer-goers at CHB, but, fortunately, she lives an hour and a half away from Shiloh's hometown of Middle Creek. So they can visit every so often, usually when the school takes a trip to the Zoo up near Poppy's town.
Backstory:
Shiloh was born on August 18th in Wyoming, Eight months after her dad left. (btw, her mom knew about the greek gods and stuff, and planned to tell her when she was older)
They lived in a cozy cottage just passed the borders of Middle Creek, one of the larger Wyoming towns. The Briar family's American side lived in the town for a while, but most had died off. Shiloh enjoyed watching the stars and moon with her mom, and playing in the wind. Some people said that they were crazy, but once they even sat outside during a tornado. Some Mortals who aren't told about the Greek Gods and their love leaves them, it hurts, but since Aeoulus explained to her that he had to go, she understood, and always told Shiloh that he was only working, and that she would see her daddy One day.
But, one day, (Shiloh was eight at the time) Dry weather created a forest fire dangerously close to their house, which caught on fire. Her mom had been napping while Shiloh was playing, and she woke to Shiloh shaking her awake. They got out the emergency fire ladder and Shiloh crawled out the window, but took a long time. Her mom, trying to help her down as the fire was spreading quickly, nearly upon her now. She got out onto the ladder, and there was an explosion from inside, from where the fire met her gas fireplace, (upstairs) and not only burned her, but she fell from the top of the ladder, landing on her neck.
Her injuries were much too severe. She had been paralyzed upon landing on her neck, and was blinded from the explosion. Government and other authoraties wouldn't let her continue to care for Shiloh, so they put Shiloh through various foster care and set her up with a social worker, who placed her with a family: The Larettes. [Okay! Good you searched this. But again, there's the issue that "wouldn't Carrie have other relatives?"] The family lived on a large farm at then other side of Middle Creek, raising mainly horses and cattle. Shiloh pulled away from them, being young and confused, and spent a lot of time with the animals. After a while though, she healed and came to trust and love the family.
For her tenth birthday she was given a foal, a young beautiful young roan foal that she named Rain for her coat pattern. This boosted her in the equestrian field.
In middle school, Aeoulus saw that nobody was around to explain the Greek Gods to Shiloh, so he sent a satyr for her. His name was Thomas, [forgot to mention this last time but I think satyrs would have unique names that are related to forest and plants and stuff? Grover, Gleeson, etc., Fauns are a different story.] and he was sent near the end of the school year, probably the worst time for a satyr. Thankfully he could become friends with Shiloh, and one day, when a pack of blood-thirsty harpies came around, he found a good time to take her to camp.
[Thinking about it, harpies are "employed" at CHB. They're mostly at the beck-and-call of the Olympians so probably not harpies.]
Combat-related questions
Camp: CHB, only at summer.
Weapon of choice: Shiloh prefers to use a sword, which she was given by her dad. It is made to be light, encasing some power of the Four winds. Apparently, Leopold was given a bow too.
[Okay, much better]
Aeolus had them built, for he wanted his children to be "Better in Battle".
[I doubt the gods (with the exception of Hephaestus) would build their own weapons. He'd probably get Hephaestus, Cyclops, or some other mythological monster I forgot to make them.]
Other weapons: Shiloh has a chestplate that looks like a picture-holding necklace, but transforms into a poor, but usable chest plate. She obtained it when her, Kaya and Colin Sensendich, and Leopold, Won Capture the flag three weeks in a row. (Power of the wind, altogether. (Kaya and Colin are Zephyrus kids) but they had to be separated because it was too dangerous to have them all working together...too much wind.)
[There are people in Camp Half-blood with powers that can counter theirs. You make it sound like they just spam their powers to win. Given that the Athena Cabin is full of tacticians, the four of them would lose to their battle prowess. Also, just the four of them against the rest of the camp? I think you can tell now that making stories isn't very easy. It requires a lot of thought and double-checking, triple-checking, etc., the things you put to make sure that they all have factual basis, make sense, and don't clash with anything that has already been accepted to be true.]
She doesn't realize how dangerous using a poor chest plate can be, because she hasn't had all that much battle experience. Usually, during capture the flag, she would be put in any position that required speed.
[Wait, wait, wait. Realization. How'd they obtain it in Capture the Flag? CHB wouldn't give flimsy armor as a reward.]
Powers and Abilities: Shiloh can control the wind, and some times, when she focuses, she can generate slight wind. Leopold is teaching her more, though, and she will start getting better. She also has a good sense of Direction, and good at navigating, because of the "wind sense" she was born with.
(Is that Mary Sue-ish? I just thought it be interesting...but if so...scratch it.)
[No no! It's not Mary Sue-ish. Though admittedly, it's borderline on being over-powered, since, well, it's wind! Even Jason Grace has his limits when controlling the wind, he gets tired, etc., Can you define, like, how long she can do the wind things? Yeah. That's it. :) ]
P.s. I just realized how much work this stuff is. You guys are great for doing all this. Wow. And having people waiting on you for this? I stink under pressure. You guys are great. Keep it up. (No, not for brownie points...)
[Oh there's the work stuff. We're here to help. It is a lot of work especially if you have difficulty looking for information. Sorry if we sound harsh! *glares at Kara* We're here to point out the flaws and give advice on how to fix it (if we can.) We don't know everything so we consult with a bunch of people and, sometimes, other reviewers so yeah. :) ]
Comments: Like before, backstory, weapons, and powers still need a lot of fixing. If you have any questions or smth, just message us. We'll try to help (though we'll be inactive starting Monday) :)
Final judgement: Fields of Asphodel
Basics
Name: Shiloh Briar
Age: 13
Gender: Female
Birthday: August 18
Ethnicity: Cherokee and Australian, Her Mom is native to Australia, and her mom's dad's parents were Cherokee
[Okay, you fixed this.]
Hair color: Red
Eye color: dark brown, and kind of make her eyes looks larger because of the dark color
Height: 5'9"
[Wait. I just realized. She's 13 and she's already 5'9"? Average height for female Australian 13-year-olds is 5'2" and the tallest they are is, like, 5'6"]
Weight: 129 pounds
Other physical descriptions: Shiloh isn't skinny but isn't fat, either, living and working her family's farm always kept her well rounded. If she didn't do so much farmwork, and spent so much of her Physical power on her jobs, she probably would be Overweight from her addictive personality. (Explained later on) Shiloh's hair is shoulder-leangth, and usually is Unbrushed and tangled. (I'm going to bring this back up in the personality)
Sexuality: Heterosexual
Personality
Positive traits: Shiloh is very outgoing and is very easy to make friends with. She doesn't talk a whole lot, but when she does, she has meaning and something to say. She's very open about her self to other people, (not to a personal point, though, she does keep some things to herself). She can be very soft at times, and finds that she can develop strong passions for things if she sets her heart on it.
Negative traits: Shiloh is easily addicted, to stuff such as Food. Like, she'll be washing a horse, and after she's done, she accidentonly squirts herself in the face with water, sees how good it feels, and then be spraying the hose in her face for the next ten minutes. She gets in trouble a lot because of this. (Remember my comment about her hair?). Shiloh always tries to be neat, but "time" makes to great of an exuse to check her hair, make her bed, various various. Of course, she ends up doing most things because her adopted dad is from the military.
Other Personality traits: Shiloh is good with horse and dogs. Her two things. Equine and Canine.
Fears/Phobias: She is Pyrophobic, because her mom got injured in a fire.
Fatal Flaw: She tries to please people too much. She kinda already knows this, but she hasn't noted it as her fatal flaw yet.
Also, because she isn't exactly the most....what should I write here? Organized, put-together, clean-cut person, she usually has trouble doing this. She hasn't fought in any big battles so far, so she hasn't had a chance to Discover it as being fatal in any way.
Family and Background
Godly Parent: Aeoulus (note, the brown eyes)
Mortal Parent: Carrie Briar
Other relationships: She has a older brother, mortal, named Jack, who she is brother-sister with. At first she didn't like him, because she was struggling with some stuff at the time. But she grew to love him.
[So Jack is definitely mortal! Cool. Is he also Carrie Briar's son or is he the son of the adoptive parents?]
Leopold Conanoll, Her half-brother who she is good friends with, during her time at camp-halfblood (He's year round).
They have always been good friends. He's a son of Aeoulus...I don't think I made that clear last time...
[okay.]
Poppy Sheldwick, A daughter of Demeter, and her best friend. They're both Summer-goers at CHB, but, fortunately, she lives an hour and a half away from Shiloh's hometown of Middle Creek. So they can visit every so often, usually when the school takes a trip to the Zoo up near Poppy's town.
Backstory:
Shiloh was born on August 18th in Wyoming, Eight months after her dad left. (btw, her mom knew about the greek gods and stuff, and planned to tell her when she was older)
They lived in a cozy cottage just passed the borders of Middle Creek, one of the larger Wyoming towns. The Briar family's American side lived in the town for a while, but most had died off. Shiloh enjoyed watching the stars and moon with her mom, and playing in the wind. Some people said that they were crazy, but once they even sat outside during a tornado. Some Mortals who aren't told about the Greek Gods and their love leaves them, it hurts, but since Aeoulus explained to her that he had to go, she understood, and always told Shiloh that he was only working, and that she would see her daddy One day.
But, one day, (Shiloh was eight at the time) Dry weather created a forest fire dangerously close to their house, which caught on fire. Her mom had been napping while Shiloh was playing, and she woke to Shiloh shaking her awake. They got out the emergency fire ladder and Shiloh crawled out the window, but took a long time. Her mom, trying to help her down as the fire was spreading quickly, nearly upon her now. She got out onto the ladder, and there was an explosion from inside, from where the fire met her gas fireplace, (upstairs) and not only burned her, but she fell from the top of the ladder, landing on her neck.
Her injuries were much too severe. She had been paralyzed upon landing on her neck, and was blinded from the explosion. Government and other authoraties wouldn't let her continue to care for Shiloh, so they put Shiloh through various foster care and set her up with a social worker, who placed her with a family: The Larettes. [Okay! Good you searched this. But again, there's the issue that "wouldn't Carrie have other relatives?"] The family lived on a large farm at then other side of Middle Creek, raising mainly horses and cattle. Shiloh pulled away from them, being young and confused, and spent a lot of time with the animals. After a while though, she healed and came to trust and love the family.
For her tenth birthday she was given a foal, a young beautiful young roan foal that she named Rain for her coat pattern. This boosted her in the equestrian field.
In middle school, Aeoulus saw that nobody was around to explain the Greek Gods to Shiloh, so he sent a satyr for her. His name was Thomas, [forgot to mention this last time but I think satyrs would have unique names that are related to forest and plants and stuff? Grover, Gleeson, etc., Fauns are a different story.] and he was sent near the end of the school year, probably the worst time for a satyr. Thankfully he could become friends with Shiloh, and one day, when a pack of blood-thirsty harpies came around, he found a good time to take her to camp.
[Thinking about it, harpies are "employed" at CHB. They're mostly at the beck-and-call of the Olympians so probably not harpies.]
Combat-related questions
Camp: CHB, only at summer.
Weapon of choice: Shiloh prefers to use a sword, which she was given by her dad. It is made to be light, encasing some power of the Four winds. Apparently, Leopold was given a bow too.
[Okay, much better]
Aeolus had them built, for he wanted his children to be "Better in Battle".
[I doubt the gods (with the exception of Hephaestus) would build their own weapons. He'd probably get Hephaestus, Cyclops, or some other mythological monster I forgot to make them.]
Other weapons: Shiloh has a chestplate that looks like a picture-holding necklace, but transforms into a poor, but usable chest plate. She obtained it when her, Kaya and Colin Sensendich, and Leopold, Won Capture the flag three weeks in a row. (Power of the wind, altogether. (Kaya and Colin are Zephyrus kids) but they had to be separated because it was too dangerous to have them all working together...too much wind.)
[There are people in Camp Half-blood with powers that can counter theirs. You make it sound like they just spam their powers to win. Given that the Athena Cabin is full of tacticians, the four of them would lose to their battle prowess. Also, just the four of them against the rest of the camp? I think you can tell now that making stories isn't very easy. It requires a lot of thought and double-checking, triple-checking, etc., the things you put to make sure that they all have factual basis, make sense, and don't clash with anything that has already been accepted to be true.]
She doesn't realize how dangerous using a poor chest plate can be, because she hasn't had all that much battle experience. Usually, during capture the flag, she would be put in any position that required speed.
[Wait, wait, wait. Realization. How'd they obtain it in Capture the Flag? CHB wouldn't give flimsy armor as a reward.]
Powers and Abilities: Shiloh can control the wind, and some times, when she focuses, she can generate slight wind. Leopold is teaching her more, though, and she will start getting better. She also has a good sense of Direction, and good at navigating, because of the "wind sense" she was born with.
(Is that Mary Sue-ish? I just thought it be interesting...but if so...scratch it.)
[No no! It's not Mary Sue-ish. Though admittedly, it's borderline on being over-powered, since, well, it's wind! Even Jason Grace has his limits when controlling the wind, he gets tired, etc., Can you define, like, how long she can do the wind things? Yeah. That's it. :) ]
P.s. I just realized how much work this stuff is. You guys are great for doing all this. Wow. And having people waiting on you for this? I stink under pressure. You guys are great. Keep it up. (No, not for brownie points...)
[Oh there's the work stuff. We're here to help. It is a lot of work especially if you have difficulty looking for information. Sorry if we sound harsh! *glares at Kara* We're here to point out the flaws and give advice on how to fix it (if we can.) We don't know everything so we consult with a bunch of people and, sometimes, other reviewers so yeah. :) ]
Comments: Like before, backstory, weapons, and powers still need a lot of fixing. If you have any questions or smth, just message us. We'll try to help (though we'll be inactive starting Monday) :)
Final judgement: Fields of Asphodel
I am SO sorry for your loss. I havent lost too many people in my life, but i have lost enough to know its a horrible thing to go through. Are you going to continue The Original Character Court without her?
5/15/16