The God of Toilet Paper Takes Sadie on a Date

Anubis paced around in his home in the Duat. The heat from the Lake of Fire was blistering hot, but since he was a god he didn't sweat. The heat was comforting, actually and he paced near it whenever he couldn't figure out what to do.

Currently he was in his Jackal form. Pacing seemed more productive when it was done on four paws instead of two feet. The sounds of his footfalls echoed softly off nearby walls made of old lava rock. They did little to help him think and actually annoyed him. He stopped pacing and growled at a giant boulder that towered over him. He imagined he won whatever argument they were having and continued pacing.

Last time he visited the Brooklyn House Sadie had put in noticeably more time in to punching and kicking things. Particularly Carter. It's not that punching and kicking things wasn't normal for Sadie, it's the amount of time she was putting into it that unnerved him. At first he figured she was prepping for a fight with some enemy that neither he or Bast knew about. Even Bes didn't know. When Carter was finally able to get away, Anubis asked him what was up.

Carter put his hand on Anubis's shoulder and looked at him with sad but somehow angry eyes. "Dude, I don't know. Why don't you try going on a date with her?" The fact that Carter suggested it was amazing to him. The only problem was - Anubis didn't know what to do on a date. Sure, he knew the concept of a date, but being secluded in the Duat for millenia did little to offer some practice time in the goings-on of mortals.

Carter gripped his shoulder harder. "So go on this date with her. Make her happy. Make her stop punching and kicking me. Make me happy. But I swear to you - if you hurt her, if you make her cry, I will make your existence a living Hell."

Anubis wanted to point out that Hell was actually a Goddess and was technically half-dead but he felt this wasn't the time. He simply nodded and began planning. The best date. Yes.

Uhm...? How does this go?

So he went deep into the Duat where he lived. With so many people coming through the Judgement Room he figured he could ask some women what they thought would be a good date. It went a little like this:

"Hello," he said when a woman dressed in a pantsuit walked up. She held her heart in her hand ready to hand over. He took it. She looked at him with vacant eyes. "So, I was wondering, what do you consider a good date?" She stared. "Am I dead?" Anubis dearly wanted to do what Sadie called a 'palm-face.' "Yes. Now could you answer my question?" She kept staring, not hearing him. "What's going to happen?" The need to do a palm-face was getting stronger and harder to resist. "I'm going to weigh your heart against the Feather of Truth. Please, answer my question." He wanted to make a deal. Answer the question and you get a free-pass to Egyptian Heaven. "Oh," was all she said in a small, quiet voice. He got nowhere.

It's not that there weren't other women in the long line of souls (that had currently reached 1942 as he found out later) it's just that.... all the conversations went... nowhere. He supposed he could watch romantic movies, but then Tawaret would want to join, even Bast might join if only to annoy him, and he didn't want that. He even considered asking Set, his Father, but after the altercation with Horus, he didn't think it was such a good idea. No, he was on his own.

So here he was, pacing in the Duat growling at lava rocks. He finally sat down. He threw his head back and let out a sound that was a cross between a growl and a howl. He trotted in to a large room where he spent most of his time when he wasn't working or spending time with Sadie. It was his Fortress of Solitude. His place to think. His place to...

Craaaaaaaaaash!

...be alone.

More annoyed than startled, he looked over towards the portal to the New Orleans Graveyard. On the ground he saw a golden bowl still rolling around. When he looked up he saw a girl with deep caramel skin and shocking green eyes grinning cheesily at him. "Sorry!" she said in a sing-song voice as she scrambled to pick it up. He glared at her but he wasn't surprised to see her here. She wandered the Halls of the Dead making random mischief and generally being a pest. No one seemed to dislike her however.

"Just pick it up." Anubis said as he shifted back to his 16-year-old form. As he shook out the kinks he did a double take and looked her way. "You!" he said. The girl put the bowl down and stared at him, confused. "Me?" she said. "Yes! You! You're a girl!" he said it like it was the biggest revelation of his life. She started getting angry and now it was his turn to be confused. "What?" he said. "Was it something I said?"

"I could slap you right now." she growled. "Just what do you mean by that?" Realizing his mistake Anubis waved his hands in the air as if to erase it. "I need help." he said apologetically. The girl put her hands on her hips and huffed. "Like Ra, you do!" Ignoring her he continued. "I want to take someone out on a date, but I don't know what to do!" The girl took her hands off her hips and a sly grin came across her face. "A date, huh? I have just the idea..."

Notes

*We're ignoring the fact that Will exists. He doesn't in this. Shush.

"...altercation with Horus..." It involves a Godly sleepover, some lettuce, and some not-rated-G things.

"Fortress of Solitude" Anubis is such a Superman Fan. In my head anyways.