The First Daughter

Chapter 32:

I don't remember much, I don't even remember time passing; Darren, I knew then, had carried me all the way back to Camp Jupiter, which had already irradiated the shadow creatures and everything was slowly going back to normal. Darren had put me down and held my arm so I wouldn't wobble or just stand there.

Gaius and Eliza greeted us and Gaius formally turned over leadership of Camp Jupiter back over to Reyna. Then what stung is that Eliza asked where Lilly was; I didn't have the nerve to answer as I retreated to Darren for comfort, then there wasn't any need for any explanation.

Darren wrapped his arm around me, "Do you think we can just go somewhere?"
Eliza offered the guest house, which apparently they had one, and they invited us to a victory feast they were going to have later. I wasn't really in the mood for a party I just wanted to curl up and do nothing.

Eliza again was our guide, but I just closed my eyes and let Darren use his arms to point me where to go. Next thing I knew a door opened and Eliza went in; Darren led me inside but soon I found a bed, and plopped in it curling into the fetal position and then just waiting for the tears to come.

At that time I wanted to be alone, I closed my eyes and let myself hurt inside. I heard the door close and I thought I was alone so I let myself start to sniff and then I break into sobs. Tears follow along a trail on my face and I already feel a pool forming on the mattress. Then I felt the mattress dip behind me and I looked over my shoulder and saw Darren sitting next to me. He cocked a slight smile and touched my shoulder, rubbing it slowly.

Normally I would reject a guy touching me at all but then I felt so weak and shaken to my core I couldn't turn anyone away. I sniffed and opened my arms like a child does when they want to be held. Darren turns and lies on the mattress right beside me and pulls me close to him. I was afraid at first to let go again, but a gentle squeeze tells me that I'm ok, so I just imagine myself letting myself fall of a cliff and I feel the wind whip against me and I just feel the tears flow, I weep and sob and nearly choke several times.

But then I hear a couple of sobs and I look up at Darren and notice that he's crying too. His red eyes look down at me and sniffs, he breathes out of his mouth as he looks like he's trying for formulate words,

"I, at first questioned why you brought Lilly along, but since we were all together," He paused, "And what not she grew on me-"

I smiled what I could and reached for his face but I stopped, I hesitated. Darren took his hand into my suspended one and used this thumb to rub against the back of my hand. I tried to ignore my itching desire to pull away instead I bit my lip for a second and replied,
"She grew on all of us."

We just stared at each others red eyes for a second, and I looked away, blinking then squeezing out tears. I opened up m mouth but only my cracking voice seemed to make the only sound. But somehow I manage to say, "It's all my fault."

I squint as I stare at the bedposts, my mind is blurred but I knew one thing; this was all my fault; I let her come on this quest, I let the Controlled Nico kill her, I couldn't, I didn't. I don't remember saying this out loud but Darren used his hand to lift my chin so I'd look him in the eyes,

"None of this is your fault. Lilly would have," He paused awkwardly.
I knew what he was trying to say; It wasn't my fault, it was bound to happen with me or not; the Fates said it would happen, it was going to happen either way. Maybe there was sound logic to what Darren was saying, I didn't believe it or maybe I did, but it offered no comfort to me. I dropped my gaze and put a fist against Darren's chest and rested my head against him and just started sobbing again. I felt Darren's arms wrapped around me tighter, and we just both cried. I was louder between the both of us, Darren seemed to be the more quiet crying type. But after a long while I found myself asleep in Darren's arms.


That's when the nightmare began: I dreamed that I was back in the alley where Lilly died, this time I dunno, it was all a blur. I did things differently each time instead of what I did then. I stopped and helped Lilly, but then I was stabbed in the back by Nico. i was the bait instead of Nico but I was possessed and I killed Lilly myself. Then I somehow managed to save Lilly but when we were running away she was shot from behind and was dead before she even hit the ground. Either way it happens, it's more painful, more antagonizing and I feel it n my being as if it happened each way that was presented to me. I feel the pangs that are like swords that are piercing my heart as everything happens before me. I feel like I let everyone down, every, stupid, single time. During these dreams I'm somewhat aware that I'm dreaming; that it was all fake, but I still feel tethered to what was going on and that it was real. I felt it in my chest; I just wanted to wake up from the nightmare. But as I am aware in the dream, I know if I wake up there's a darker world waiting for me, so here I'll remain; as long as I can.

Notes