To My Dark Lover

Dear Friend,

I cannot stop thinking about you.

I dream of you constantly, in your grotesque beauty, and it scares me to think people want to separate us.

I cannot believe that you refuse to show your face in front of my friends.

It does not offend me, for they would not like our relationship,

But they don’t understand us.

They never could.

And besides, you are too smitten with me to ever take another, right? RIGHT?

And yet, in the pupils of my comrade’s eyes, I see your reflection.

It’s like they can smell you on my clothes, see the marks you leave on my skin.

Our passionate meetings are always met with disappointment, and that’s mostly my fault.

My timidity and lack of follow-though led to your anger.

You called me impotent.

You wanted me.

You were the first thing to ever want me so primal-ly, so mortally.

I was flustered, flattered by your presence.

I did whatever you told me to.

You told me to shut myself off in front of my closest friends, so I did.

You told me to stop eating, so I did.

You replaced my meals with pills and alcohol, and I stomached them as best I could.

You even convinced me to cut, just once.

I DID EVERYTHING YOU FUCKING TOLD ME TO!

But I couldn’t let you take me, NO.

You got angrier and more determined; you got impatient.

I got scared. I was too inexperienced. I wasn’t ready for you.

So we took a break.

But after the stress of the last few years, you showed up in my loneliness ready to take me back.

We tried, once more, to make our relationship physical, and not emotional anymore.

And I tried, believe me, baby, I tried. But something pulled me back.

Please don’t be too angry with me this time.

Look, baby, I would marry you if I could, but my side of the family does not wish it.

I would make you my Queen, my Persephone, if you would have me.

I have slept with you many times, and still remain a virgin.

You have borne in me a black idea.

For I could never consummate our relationship.

I have already betrayed you, lover.

But then again, you never were loyal to just me, were you?

During our respite, I could see your mark on the caskets of the youths that fell for you.

They look so much like me.

But I am not angry.

For I have started seeing another.

You could sense his presence around me, couldn’t you?

He is bright, full of sunshine and happy moments, and he has always supported me.

His name is Will.

He has ripped me from your mortal embrace, and placed me in his arms.

He has shown me how much his status in life is worth it.

I know how much you wait for me in the shadows of my mind, singing your melancholy song, whispering to me the sweet nothings that I used to consider home.

I have survived you, Siren.

I have won the battle, Suicide.

But we both know this war isn’t over.

Sincerely,
Nico

Notes

--Grafon