The Original Character Court
Elizabeth Nicole Cross
[Hi! Laurel, here! So Kara and I were squabbling and she said that she should do a review but she's too grumpy so here I am! Yayza]
Basics
Name: Elizabeth Nicole Cross
Age: 16
Gender: Female
Birthday: July 28, 1999
Ethnicity: Caucasian
Hair color: Dark Brown
Eye color: Hazel (green around the Iris, Brown around the green, blue around the outer edge.)
[Um, I don't think this is natural. I mean, okay, demis can have unusual eye colors but not too outrageous, riiight?]
Height: 5'6"
[she's taller than me TT_TT ]
Weight: 120
[what units? pounds?]
Other physical descriptions: Scar from the small of her back to just above her right hip bone (harpies).
[yiiiikes]
Sexual orientation: Straight
[the proper term is heterosexual, jsyk :) ]
Personality
Positive traits:
Loyal- if you earn it. [a little over-used, I think]
Thinks on her feet- doesn't necessarily need a forged weapon. [that's nice!]
Nice- if you are
[I feel like these weren't explained enough? Like, I still can't figure her out :( ]
Negative traits:
Doesn't trust easily.
Goes in without a plan most of them time.
Will gut you if you give her a good reason. [Eeeeehhhhh?!?! Trope-y. Nonono. Don't put this. I mean, everyone will gut anyone if there's a good enough reason.]
Stubborn as hell. [Well, I think you could have stopped at stubborn but okay!]
Other Personality traits: Doesn't work well in groups, except with people she trust (mostly close family).
[okay!]
[Her personality types are a little overused like, yeah, okay. She's like this but how is she like this? Like, how did affect her relationship with people? Examples? Those stuff!]
Fears/Phobias: Dark, Heights, Family dying.
[Yeah, I'm scared of losing my dad and Kara too so I guess that's inherent. But why's she afraid of the dark or heights? Not everyone's inherently afraid of heights.]
Fatal Flaw: Self-Sufficiency:
Will try to do everything by herself, including protecting everyone.
[Using self-sufficiency as the flaw isn't exactly right. Self-sufficiency is actually positive. But it's negative effect would be more like um... actually, I think the description only would be okay. I think there was one or two other profiles that didn't have a term for their fatal flaw but the descriptions were good and made sense.
Family and Background
Godly Parent: Poseidon
[Okay. Gloves are off. No more nice me. Sorry, I'm a little less tolerant that Kara is of this thing so lemme get Kara. She's less biased.]
[It's Kara. Hello. Son of Poseidon. *narrows eyes*]
Mortal Parent: Clara Marie Cross-Allen
Other relationships:
Step-brother: David Allen
(Bio dad: Apollo, Bio-mom: Jessica Lewis-Allen, Step dad: Jack Allen, Step mom: Clara Cross-Allen)
[That's a lot of parents.]
Backstory:
Mom had a fling during Thanksgiving Break Senior year of college. Graduated a month later from Thomas Edison State Uni, with a bachelors in Social Science (Psychology), and a baby on the way.
Liz was born three week Premature.
Clara did know that her daughter was a half-blood; Poseidon found out she was pregnant and explained everything to her, including who he was, why he couldn't stay, and where she could go if it got too dangerous.
[Basically, no good explanation of why there's another Poseidon-kid and why she wasn't in PJO or mentioned in HoO. I think we're done here.]
[Okay, kidding. Bio's not over. Let's see.]
When Liz was three, they were attacked while at the park by some Harpies who were nesting nearby. The ER doctor who treated her was Jack Allen. A relationship began, and a year and a half later, they got married. David was 5, Liz was 4.
By the time David was 11 and heading to Camp for the first summer, [why is David heading to Camp? Isn't he mortal? If he's not, you couldn't have mentioned that?] Liz was in fifth grade, t her third school and had been attacked twice; once in second grade (hell hound on the playground), and once in fourth grade (Volunteering high school student for pic day actually Emposia).
When she was 12, during spring break, she was playing in the back yard when a puppy-Hell hound jumped into the yard and tackled her. It seemed to be trying to play, but she was screaming so David Jumped in, Killed it, then they all sat down for a family discussion about her going to camp the following summer.
[how did David kill it?]
She Refused. She explained later, to David, that she didn't want to have to sit there until she was claimed. She wanted to know more about the mythology, and the fighting. She didn't want to go into it blind.
She spent the next four years doing research and training with David After school and on holidays, except during the summer.
During at the end of her sophomore year in high school, she decides to go with David to camp. She has an Idea about who her father is, and knows its not safe for her if she is right.
During that morning, Percy uses a spare key that David gave him to come and convince her to come. The satyr, Brian, at her school has given updates on her, and confirms that she is a child of one of the big three.
[waiiiiit. Percy. She's born on 1999. She's 16 on 2015. Which makes Percy 22. Which means during the time of PJO she was 5-10. Which means that nope. Couldn't have existed. I'm more lenient with children of Neptune since it seems like the Roman side isn't all too concerned with that prophecy.]
Percy finds her already packed and they all head to camp.
After 3 weeks at camp, her father personally issues her a quest during a dream.
[Poseidon never did that with Percy. What's so special about Liz?]
She travels with several other demigods to Mount Olympus in Greece, to keep the wheel of time spinning.
[what?]
{That is as much as I am willing to divulge outside of the books.}
Combat-related questions
Camp: Half-Blood
Weapon of choice: Sword, almost three feet, long celestial bronze, leather grip. (only one she has before camp, best fit to train with).
[where'd she get it?]
Other weapons: Hunting(esc) knife; about 14 inches long, celestial bronze, leather grip.
[max 12 inches for blade length for it to be considered knives. any longer, it's a short sword]
Powers and Abilities: Over water; special affinity for hurricane-like storms.
Her eyes, will sort of swirl like storm clouds--kinda drives people insane: they are unable to move, feel cold and afraid, then they pass out.
[NOOOOOO. NO NO NO NO NO. Anything eye-related? NO. Too-overpowered. Do not. Just don't.]
Has a little control over it, but still hasn't quite got the hang of controlling it.
Percy has pretty close to an immunity to it by the end of book 2. [irrelevant info]
Comments:
Backstory was interesting enough except there was absolutely no explanation of her existence in PJO-verse. Personality, like my girlfriend said, doesn't have enough to give a clear view of it. Relationships didn't have enough either. Eye color is just no. Powers? Absolutely didn't like the whole eye-hypnotizing thing. It doesn't have anything to do with Poseidon. What do her eyeballs even do? Spin? Ew. Either you change the parentage (to, perhaps, a minor water god/goddess) or give a better explanation for her existence and why she wasn't brought to CHB sooner. Because she came from a relatively clean (hygienically speaking) and the only reason why Percy wasn't detected was because Smelly Gabe was, well, smelly. It covered up his demigod smell. Liz should have been detected earlier. Okay, thinking back to it, your backstory had a lot of plotholes. Damn. That just bumped down your judgment. Sorry.
Final judgement: Fields of Punishment.
Basics
Name: Elizabeth Nicole Cross
Age: 16
Gender: Female
Birthday: July 28, 1999
Ethnicity: Caucasian
Hair color: Dark Brown
Eye color: Hazel (green around the Iris, Brown around the green, blue around the outer edge.)
[Um, I don't think this is natural. I mean, okay, demis can have unusual eye colors but not too outrageous, riiight?]
Height: 5'6"
[she's taller than me TT_TT ]
Weight: 120
[what units? pounds?]
Other physical descriptions: Scar from the small of her back to just above her right hip bone (harpies).
[yiiiikes]
Sexual orientation: Straight
[the proper term is heterosexual, jsyk :) ]
Personality
Positive traits:
Loyal- if you earn it. [a little over-used, I think]
Thinks on her feet- doesn't necessarily need a forged weapon. [that's nice!]
Nice- if you are
[I feel like these weren't explained enough? Like, I still can't figure her out :( ]
Negative traits:
Doesn't trust easily.
Goes in without a plan most of them time.
Will gut you if you give her a good reason. [Eeeeehhhhh?!?! Trope-y. Nonono. Don't put this. I mean, everyone will gut anyone if there's a good enough reason.]
Stubborn as hell. [Well, I think you could have stopped at stubborn but okay!]
Other Personality traits: Doesn't work well in groups, except with people she trust (mostly close family).
[okay!]
[Her personality types are a little overused like, yeah, okay. She's like this but how is she like this? Like, how did affect her relationship with people? Examples? Those stuff!]
Fears/Phobias: Dark, Heights, Family dying.
[Yeah, I'm scared of losing my dad and Kara too so I guess that's inherent. But why's she afraid of the dark or heights? Not everyone's inherently afraid of heights.]
Fatal Flaw: Self-Sufficiency:
Will try to do everything by herself, including protecting everyone.
[Using self-sufficiency as the flaw isn't exactly right. Self-sufficiency is actually positive. But it's negative effect would be more like um... actually, I think the description only would be okay. I think there was one or two other profiles that didn't have a term for their fatal flaw but the descriptions were good and made sense.
Family and Background
Godly Parent: Poseidon
[Okay. Gloves are off. No more nice me. Sorry, I'm a little less tolerant that Kara is of this thing so lemme get Kara. She's less biased.]
[It's Kara. Hello. Son of Poseidon. *narrows eyes*]
Mortal Parent: Clara Marie Cross-Allen
Other relationships:
Step-brother: David Allen
(Bio dad: Apollo, Bio-mom: Jessica Lewis-Allen, Step dad: Jack Allen, Step mom: Clara Cross-Allen)
[That's a lot of parents.]
Backstory:
Mom had a fling during Thanksgiving Break Senior year of college. Graduated a month later from Thomas Edison State Uni, with a bachelors in Social Science (Psychology), and a baby on the way.
Liz was born three week Premature.
Clara did know that her daughter was a half-blood; Poseidon found out she was pregnant and explained everything to her, including who he was, why he couldn't stay, and where she could go if it got too dangerous.
[Basically, no good explanation of why there's another Poseidon-kid and why she wasn't in PJO or mentioned in HoO. I think we're done here.]
[Okay, kidding. Bio's not over. Let's see.]
When Liz was three, they were attacked while at the park by some Harpies who were nesting nearby. The ER doctor who treated her was Jack Allen. A relationship began, and a year and a half later, they got married. David was 5, Liz was 4.
By the time David was 11 and heading to Camp for the first summer, [why is David heading to Camp? Isn't he mortal? If he's not, you couldn't have mentioned that?] Liz was in fifth grade, t her third school and had been attacked twice; once in second grade (hell hound on the playground), and once in fourth grade (Volunteering high school student for pic day actually Emposia).
When she was 12, during spring break, she was playing in the back yard when a puppy-Hell hound jumped into the yard and tackled her. It seemed to be trying to play, but she was screaming so David Jumped in, Killed it, then they all sat down for a family discussion about her going to camp the following summer.
[how did David kill it?]
She Refused. She explained later, to David, that she didn't want to have to sit there until she was claimed. She wanted to know more about the mythology, and the fighting. She didn't want to go into it blind.
She spent the next four years doing research and training with David After school and on holidays, except during the summer.
During at the end of her sophomore year in high school, she decides to go with David to camp. She has an Idea about who her father is, and knows its not safe for her if she is right.
During that morning, Percy uses a spare key that David gave him to come and convince her to come. The satyr, Brian, at her school has given updates on her, and confirms that she is a child of one of the big three.
[waiiiiit. Percy. She's born on 1999. She's 16 on 2015. Which makes Percy 22. Which means during the time of PJO she was 5-10. Which means that nope. Couldn't have existed. I'm more lenient with children of Neptune since it seems like the Roman side isn't all too concerned with that prophecy.]
Percy finds her already packed and they all head to camp.
After 3 weeks at camp, her father personally issues her a quest during a dream.
[Poseidon never did that with Percy. What's so special about Liz?]
She travels with several other demigods to Mount Olympus in Greece, to keep the wheel of time spinning.
[what?]
{That is as much as I am willing to divulge outside of the books.}
Combat-related questions
Camp: Half-Blood
Weapon of choice: Sword, almost three feet, long celestial bronze, leather grip. (only one she has before camp, best fit to train with).
[where'd she get it?]
Other weapons: Hunting(esc) knife; about 14 inches long, celestial bronze, leather grip.
[max 12 inches for blade length for it to be considered knives. any longer, it's a short sword]
Powers and Abilities: Over water; special affinity for hurricane-like storms.
Her eyes, will sort of swirl like storm clouds--kinda drives people insane: they are unable to move, feel cold and afraid, then they pass out.
[NOOOOOO. NO NO NO NO NO. Anything eye-related? NO. Too-overpowered. Do not. Just don't.]
Has a little control over it, but still hasn't quite got the hang of controlling it.
Percy has pretty close to an immunity to it by the end of book 2. [irrelevant info]
Comments:
Backstory was interesting enough except there was absolutely no explanation of her existence in PJO-verse. Personality, like my girlfriend said, doesn't have enough to give a clear view of it. Relationships didn't have enough either. Eye color is just no. Powers? Absolutely didn't like the whole eye-hypnotizing thing. It doesn't have anything to do with Poseidon. What do her eyeballs even do? Spin? Ew. Either you change the parentage (to, perhaps, a minor water god/goddess) or give a better explanation for her existence and why she wasn't brought to CHB sooner. Because she came from a relatively clean (hygienically speaking) and the only reason why Percy wasn't detected was because Smelly Gabe was, well, smelly. It covered up his demigod smell. Liz should have been detected earlier. Okay, thinking back to it, your backstory had a lot of plotholes. Damn. That just bumped down your judgment. Sorry.
Final judgement: Fields of Punishment.
I am SO sorry for your loss. I havent lost too many people in my life, but i have lost enough to know its a horrible thing to go through. Are you going to continue The Original Character Court without her?
5/15/16