The Original Character Court
Elizabeth Jamie Lastor
Submitted by: RiverStyx
Basics
Name: Elizabeth Jamie Lastor
Age: 18
Gender: Female
Birthday: 3/14/1997
[That would make her 17 today unless the story's set at a later year]
Ethnicity: American
Hair color: A mix of red & brown
[You mean 'auburn']
Eye color: Brown with green dots
[*frowns* That doesn't occur naturally. The naturally occurring ones are green with brown dots, or blue with brown. Even then, it's rare]
Other physical descriptions: Has a tattoo on her collar bone of a gun, got it when she was 15 to remind her of her mom (she went to war.) Pale and a little skinny.
[How skinny? Underweight skinny? She sounds unhealthy.]
Height: 180 cm
Weight: 73 kg
[It's a healthy ratio but it doesn't match her physical description]
Sexual orientation: Heterosexual
Godly parent: Hades
[Because it's a stereotype for kids of Hades to be pale, no? The only reason why Nico became pale is because he had an unhealthy lifestyle after Bianca died. Look at Hazel. She's not pale despite being a kid of Pluto. So can we please destroy the pale stereotype?]
Mortal parent: Bethany Alex Lastor
Other relationships:
but it kinda makes sense too. She's loose and doesn't let the past haunt her.
[Because all children of Hades have issues with their past, yes?]
Outspoken party girl.
Personality
Positive traits: Sweet and understanding, knows what it feels like to be alone.
[I hope this is explained further in the backstory.
She's also modest, doesn't like being shoved into the spotlight,
[okay]
and knows how to fight.
[This isn't a personality trait]
Extra protective of her friends.
[Personality feels a little generic.]
Negative traits:
When someone picks on her, she's hesitant to fight back, but if they keep doing that, she'll put all her might into putting that someone down.
[This isn't a negative trait. Put more. Being hesitant to fight back can be a good thing.]
Fears/Phobias: She has a fear of losing people important to her and a fear of getting mentally hurt.
[First fear is not exactly unique. I see it too many times in PJO OCs. Expound on fear of getting mentally hurt.
Fatal Flaw: She's much too protective after what happened to her mom. She hates letting people go, even if it's just 'Goodbye.'
[So unable to let go. Unlike the first three I reviewed, I don't really see how this can be fatal. If you could expound or provide examples, that would be great.]
Combat-related questions
Camp: Half-Blood
Weapon of choice: Elizabeth prefers her gun, which she stole from Marie's Weapon Shop.
[Marie? And why? What's with the gun? What model? If you can't answer that, Is it a handgun? A rifle (impractical to lug around)? A shotgun? Does Elizabeth have access to Celestial Bronze/Imperial Gold/Stygian Iron bullets? Does she run out of ammo?]
Powers and Abilities: Elizabeth can draw death from others that haven't completely died yet. She takes a bit of it each time and has to heal before she can do it again.
[Heal or do you mean, re-charge. This power isn't attributed with Hades. Yes, Hades is the God of the Underworld but he doesn't have dominion over life and death. That's Thanatos, the God of Death. The drawing death can also be attributed to Apollo, since he's the God of Healing. But not Hades.]
Backstory:
Elizabeth first showed signs of her god blood when she was at a hospital. Her stepdad John had cancer and was dying when he suddenly sat up and announced 'I feel perfectly okay.' It seems that Elizabeth has the power to sort of withdraw death from people before it strikes.
[It sounds like a thing Hades would have but this power is actual attributed to Thanatos.]
Then at age 10, John died anyway in a car crash. At 15, her mom went to war and died. She became an orphan but didn't want to live with her old aunt Claudia, so she ran away, leaving her friends and Amy behind.
[Who's Amy?]
She found Camp Half-Blood accidentally (a year after defeating Gaea)
[How?]
and met Sue, Timothy, and Rarity. She also met Nico, Reyna, Piper, Jason, Leo, and Calypso.
[Wait so this happens after BoO?! And she's a Daughter of Hades?! And when did she meet the people you mentioned? How? *head desks*]
Comments:
*sigh* Man, I can't bullshit my way around so I'll just go for it. Your OC is really close to being a Mary Sue. Really close but not quite there yet. I can't feel this OC at all. I can't picture her. I can't see how she'd exist and interact with people. Her personality's severely lacking. The relationships weren't expounded upon. The backstory doesn't explain much. And kid of Hades? Make her a kid of Thanatos, I'll be a little more okay with her. Hades wouldn't, just wouldn't, break the pact of the Big Three. He doesn't want to cause any trouble. If the story was set several years into the future when the PJO/HoO characters are in their late thirties, I might accept her. The power you chose isn't that of a kid of Hades.
I suggest that you research more. Your OC can still be redeemed if there's more information. Right now, I can't find that much redeeming qualities.
Final judgement: Fields of Punishment
Basics
Name: Elizabeth Jamie Lastor
Age: 18
Gender: Female
Birthday: 3/14/1997
[That would make her 17 today unless the story's set at a later year]
Ethnicity: American
Hair color: A mix of red & brown
[You mean 'auburn']
Eye color: Brown with green dots
[*frowns* That doesn't occur naturally. The naturally occurring ones are green with brown dots, or blue with brown. Even then, it's rare]
Other physical descriptions: Has a tattoo on her collar bone of a gun, got it when she was 15 to remind her of her mom (she went to war.) Pale and a little skinny.
[How skinny? Underweight skinny? She sounds unhealthy.]
Height: 180 cm
Weight: 73 kg
[It's a healthy ratio but it doesn't match her physical description]
Sexual orientation: Heterosexual
Godly parent: Hades
[Because it's a stereotype for kids of Hades to be pale, no? The only reason why Nico became pale is because he had an unhealthy lifestyle after Bianca died. Look at Hazel. She's not pale despite being a kid of Pluto. So can we please destroy the pale stereotype?]
Mortal parent: Bethany Alex Lastor
Other relationships:
- Twin: Amy Kylie Lastor, the opposite of Elizabeth. She doesn't have any god blood, surprisingly,
but it kinda makes sense too. She's loose and doesn't let the past haunt her.
[Because all children of Hades have issues with their past, yes?]
Outspoken party girl.
- Friend: Fiona Linda Tarr. She's secretive and hates attention, like Elizabeth does. Hasn't been Elizabeth's friend for long.
- Boyfriend: Thomas Brian Ranger. He's a little too trusting and open, but that's what attracted Elizabeth. Friendly and popular among students.
- Best Friend: Sue Grace Gates. She's calm and a typical daughter of Athena, always sees the smart path and loves to read.
- Enemy: Timothy John Macker, also a demigod. He's a son of Ares and, of course, picks a fight with Elizabeth as soon as he sees her.
- Friend: Rarity Teresa Linny, daughter of Aphrodite. Stands up for Elizabeth when Timothy embarrasses her in front of the whole camp.
Personality
Positive traits: Sweet and understanding, knows what it feels like to be alone.
[I hope this is explained further in the backstory.
She's also modest, doesn't like being shoved into the spotlight,
[okay]
and knows how to fight.
[This isn't a personality trait]
Extra protective of her friends.
[Personality feels a little generic.]
Negative traits:
When someone picks on her, she's hesitant to fight back, but if they keep doing that, she'll put all her might into putting that someone down.
[This isn't a negative trait. Put more. Being hesitant to fight back can be a good thing.]
Fears/Phobias: She has a fear of losing people important to her and a fear of getting mentally hurt.
[First fear is not exactly unique. I see it too many times in PJO OCs. Expound on fear of getting mentally hurt.
Fatal Flaw: She's much too protective after what happened to her mom. She hates letting people go, even if it's just 'Goodbye.'
[So unable to let go. Unlike the first three I reviewed, I don't really see how this can be fatal. If you could expound or provide examples, that would be great.]
Combat-related questions
Camp: Half-Blood
Weapon of choice: Elizabeth prefers her gun, which she stole from Marie's Weapon Shop.
[Marie? And why? What's with the gun? What model? If you can't answer that, Is it a handgun? A rifle (impractical to lug around)? A shotgun? Does Elizabeth have access to Celestial Bronze/Imperial Gold/Stygian Iron bullets? Does she run out of ammo?]
Powers and Abilities: Elizabeth can draw death from others that haven't completely died yet. She takes a bit of it each time and has to heal before she can do it again.
[Heal or do you mean, re-charge. This power isn't attributed with Hades. Yes, Hades is the God of the Underworld but he doesn't have dominion over life and death. That's Thanatos, the God of Death. The drawing death can also be attributed to Apollo, since he's the God of Healing. But not Hades.]
Backstory:
Elizabeth first showed signs of her god blood when she was at a hospital. Her stepdad John had cancer and was dying when he suddenly sat up and announced 'I feel perfectly okay.' It seems that Elizabeth has the power to sort of withdraw death from people before it strikes.
[It sounds like a thing Hades would have but this power is actual attributed to Thanatos.]
Then at age 10, John died anyway in a car crash. At 15, her mom went to war and died. She became an orphan but didn't want to live with her old aunt Claudia, so she ran away, leaving her friends and Amy behind.
[Who's Amy?]
She found Camp Half-Blood accidentally (a year after defeating Gaea)
[How?]
and met Sue, Timothy, and Rarity. She also met Nico, Reyna, Piper, Jason, Leo, and Calypso.
[Wait so this happens after BoO?! And she's a Daughter of Hades?! And when did she meet the people you mentioned? How? *head desks*]
Comments:
*sigh* Man, I can't bullshit my way around so I'll just go for it. Your OC is really close to being a Mary Sue. Really close but not quite there yet. I can't feel this OC at all. I can't picture her. I can't see how she'd exist and interact with people. Her personality's severely lacking. The relationships weren't expounded upon. The backstory doesn't explain much. And kid of Hades? Make her a kid of Thanatos, I'll be a little more okay with her. Hades wouldn't, just wouldn't, break the pact of the Big Three. He doesn't want to cause any trouble. If the story was set several years into the future when the PJO/HoO characters are in their late thirties, I might accept her. The power you chose isn't that of a kid of Hades.
I suggest that you research more. Your OC can still be redeemed if there's more information. Right now, I can't find that much redeeming qualities.
Final judgement: Fields of Punishment
I am SO sorry for your loss. I havent lost too many people in my life, but i have lost enough to know its a horrible thing to go through. Are you going to continue The Original Character Court without her?
5/15/16