The Original Character Court
Willa Jameson (resubmission)
Submitted by: Claire Winter
BASICS
Name: Willa Jameson
Age: 16
Gender: Female
Birthday: May 14
Ethnicity: German and English, from her grandparents
Hair color: Light brown in a pixy cut [I believe that's spelled 'pixie'.]
Eye color: Olive green
Height: 5'2"
Weight: 110
[Healthy ratio.]
Other physical descriptions: Willa has a smaller stature, so she's light and not very strong. She's got multiple piercings in each ear, including a couple of cartilage piercings on her left ear.
[I'd say your description of Helena Frey was better than this. Granted, we know Willa's hairstyle and stature, but what's besides that?]
Sexual orientation: Heterosexual
PERSONALITY
Positive traits: Willa is a cheerful, energetic girl. She's one of the few Aphrodite kids who cares more about others than her appearance, resulting in well-earned respect from other campers, although she does her fair share of shopping and freaking out over clothes. She tries to break the typical Aphrodite stereotype of being shallow and self-centered by being kind and caring towards others and helping out as much as she can. She doesn't want to be remembered as 'just another Aphrodite kid'. She wants to be remembered as kind and understanding, not one of those kids who stands around all day doing makeup. She's also quite curious.
[Her personality is fine, I like it. As a linguist I would be nitpicky about redundancy in the middle portion of this paragraph, but my job is to judge your character, not your writing ability. You pass this one :)]
Negative traits: Willa is an easily offended person. She doesn't take lightly to teasing due to being bullied throughout elementary school for her disabilities(dyslexia and ADHD). She cries easily, and can sometimes be defined as a crybaby. She's afraid of facing people bigger than her or stronger or in any way more skilled, and she lacks courage.
[Another "weak demigod" to go along with Helena Frey and Tabetha the Pacifist? Although, I agree with previous judgment, that is pretty realistic and believable.]
Other Personality traits: N/A
Fears/Phobias: Scotophobia, entomophobia.
[Really? You're making me Google things... So, fear of darkness and fear of insects. As much as I appreciate that one of your characters finally has more than one fear, the question we all need to ask is: why? Why those particular fears? I will put this on hold, because maybe it's explained in a backstory, but the question still remains.]
Fatal Flaw: Self-consciousness. This goes along with not wanting to be a stereotypical Aphrodite kids. She tries to change herself to fit the norm of other people's views, so practically none of them know the real her. She'll do almost anything to protect the reputation she has.
[A good flaw, with some promise for the future. Since she tries her best to fit in, this may lead to Willa becoming group-dependant.]
FAMILY AND BACKGROUND
Godly Parent: Aphrodite
Mortal Parent: Kyle Jameson
Other relationships:
Kyle Jameson- Biological father, mortal. Willa and her father have a great father-daughter relationship.[That's it?]
Lucy Jameson- Stepmother, mortal. While she and Willa don't exactly see eye-to eye, they tolerate each other. They don't really argue, but they're not exactly the friendliest. [That's a bit better, but again, that's it?]
Isabella Jameson- Half-sister, mortal. Age twelve.
Thomas Jameson- Half-brother, mortal. Age nine.
[That's it? Ekhm... as you can see, there are some things to correct here.]
Adam Allbright- Half-blood, son of Ares. 17. Adam is Willa's boyfriend, who is a bit shy sometimes but really feels like himself around Willa. They've been dating about four months. (I personally feel like they're a really cute couple, one of my OTPs :3)
[Can OCs be an OTP? Huh... the more you knoooow~]
Melody Moretti- Half-blood, daughter of Enyo, Willa's best friend. Melody and Willa are very close. They met when playing Capture the Flag -- they were put on scouting duty together. They became good friends after that.
Backstory: Willa grew up in a normal neighborhood in Ohio. Nothing was out of the ordinary, except perhaps herself. She lived with her dad and her stepmom. Willa was intensely bullied in elementary school for her dyslexia and ADHD, and she would often come home in tears. WIlla, at age 12, had her first monster attack. A hellhound got at her school, and so she found out she was a demigod through her father. She went to Camp that summer, but was not a year-rounder. She went to school during the year and was at Camp during the summer. (As you may have noticed I removed the whole Chaos-fiasco. I realized it was rather stupid -_-')
[That's progress. Progress is good. And yes, things connected to Chaos usually end up as poorly-written unnecessarily dramatic tragic-hero fiction. We don't really want that in our Riordan-verse, do we? The backstory is tonned down since your previous entry, and I appreciate that. Although, if I had to nitpick, I would as: where is Willa's satyr? You seem to be forgetting that satyrs operate all around the country and actively look for new demigods. Next thing: how did Willa fight the hellhound? Who helped her? Making her a summer-stay is a nice idea, and I hope there is a story of her that elaborates this backstory.]
COMBAT-RELATED QUESTIONS
Camp: Half-Blood
Weapon of choice: She's not as bad at sword fighting as some other Aphrodite kids, but is still plenty pitiful. She prefers to fight with a simple celestial bronze knife, which she's mediocre at. Give her anything else and she's most likely to give someone a serious injury.
[As I mentioned, I'm not the fan of demigods that are weak fighters. They are modeled to be the modern-day heroes, and they are given a proper combat training. Sure, not all of them have to have skills equal to that of Percy Jackson, but I believe all demigods have innate ability to defend themselves.]
Other weapons: N/A
Powers and Abilities: Charmspeak, but not by very much. She has a little more persuasive power than most people, but it's not very strong.
[BEEP! Red light!... I generally am against Charmspeak, since it can be easily mishandled, but if you want to do this I have to raise those questions: How strong is it? Who does her persuasion work on? Who does it not work on? Also, Charmspeak doesn't have to be her only ability as a child of Aphrodite. In fact, how about Nemakinesis - manipulation of fabric and clothes? It happened when the entire Cabin 10 cursed the Stoll brothers' clothes to be too small. 'Persuasion' can be also linked to Amokinesis, without the need to bring up a rare skill of Charmspeak.]
COMMENTS: I see improvement. I definitely see improvement since your previous submission. The character is definitely far more believable, and there is no need to do the dramatic Chaos plot, is it? But... in your attempt to improve the character, you decided to go minimalist and omit several descriptions that would add more depth to the character. Note this: I don't mind long descriptions - just check my own submission of John Vito Talbot (whom I'm not really proud of, in retrospect, but I think his description provide a lot of insight into the character). Unfortunately, despite the clear improvement, I would like to keep this character where it resides to motivate you to train on your descriptions :)
FINAL JUDGMENT: Elysium
BASICS
Name: Willa Jameson
Age: 16
Gender: Female
Birthday: May 14
Ethnicity: German and English, from her grandparents
Hair color: Light brown in a pixy cut [I believe that's spelled 'pixie'.]
Eye color: Olive green
Height: 5'2"
Weight: 110
[Healthy ratio.]
Other physical descriptions: Willa has a smaller stature, so she's light and not very strong. She's got multiple piercings in each ear, including a couple of cartilage piercings on her left ear.
[I'd say your description of Helena Frey was better than this. Granted, we know Willa's hairstyle and stature, but what's besides that?]
Sexual orientation: Heterosexual
PERSONALITY
Positive traits: Willa is a cheerful, energetic girl. She's one of the few Aphrodite kids who cares more about others than her appearance, resulting in well-earned respect from other campers, although she does her fair share of shopping and freaking out over clothes. She tries to break the typical Aphrodite stereotype of being shallow and self-centered by being kind and caring towards others and helping out as much as she can. She doesn't want to be remembered as 'just another Aphrodite kid'. She wants to be remembered as kind and understanding, not one of those kids who stands around all day doing makeup. She's also quite curious.
[Her personality is fine, I like it. As a linguist I would be nitpicky about redundancy in the middle portion of this paragraph, but my job is to judge your character, not your writing ability. You pass this one :)]
Negative traits: Willa is an easily offended person. She doesn't take lightly to teasing due to being bullied throughout elementary school for her disabilities(dyslexia and ADHD). She cries easily, and can sometimes be defined as a crybaby. She's afraid of facing people bigger than her or stronger or in any way more skilled, and she lacks courage.
[Another "weak demigod" to go along with Helena Frey and Tabetha the Pacifist? Although, I agree with previous judgment, that is pretty realistic and believable.]
Other Personality traits: N/A
Fears/Phobias: Scotophobia, entomophobia.
[Really? You're making me Google things... So, fear of darkness and fear of insects. As much as I appreciate that one of your characters finally has more than one fear, the question we all need to ask is: why? Why those particular fears? I will put this on hold, because maybe it's explained in a backstory, but the question still remains.]
Fatal Flaw: Self-consciousness. This goes along with not wanting to be a stereotypical Aphrodite kids. She tries to change herself to fit the norm of other people's views, so practically none of them know the real her. She'll do almost anything to protect the reputation she has.
[A good flaw, with some promise for the future. Since she tries her best to fit in, this may lead to Willa becoming group-dependant.]
FAMILY AND BACKGROUND
Godly Parent: Aphrodite
Mortal Parent: Kyle Jameson
Other relationships:
Kyle Jameson- Biological father, mortal. Willa and her father have a great father-daughter relationship.[That's it?]
Lucy Jameson- Stepmother, mortal. While she and Willa don't exactly see eye-to eye, they tolerate each other. They don't really argue, but they're not exactly the friendliest. [That's a bit better, but again, that's it?]
Isabella Jameson- Half-sister, mortal. Age twelve.
Thomas Jameson- Half-brother, mortal. Age nine.
[That's it? Ekhm... as you can see, there are some things to correct here.]
Adam Allbright- Half-blood, son of Ares. 17. Adam is Willa's boyfriend, who is a bit shy sometimes but really feels like himself around Willa. They've been dating about four months. (I personally feel like they're a really cute couple, one of my OTPs :3)
[Can OCs be an OTP? Huh... the more you knoooow~]
Melody Moretti- Half-blood, daughter of Enyo, Willa's best friend. Melody and Willa are very close. They met when playing Capture the Flag -- they were put on scouting duty together. They became good friends after that.
Backstory: Willa grew up in a normal neighborhood in Ohio. Nothing was out of the ordinary, except perhaps herself. She lived with her dad and her stepmom. Willa was intensely bullied in elementary school for her dyslexia and ADHD, and she would often come home in tears. WIlla, at age 12, had her first monster attack. A hellhound got at her school, and so she found out she was a demigod through her father. She went to Camp that summer, but was not a year-rounder. She went to school during the year and was at Camp during the summer. (As you may have noticed I removed the whole Chaos-fiasco. I realized it was rather stupid -_-')
[That's progress. Progress is good. And yes, things connected to Chaos usually end up as poorly-written unnecessarily dramatic tragic-hero fiction. We don't really want that in our Riordan-verse, do we? The backstory is tonned down since your previous entry, and I appreciate that. Although, if I had to nitpick, I would as: where is Willa's satyr? You seem to be forgetting that satyrs operate all around the country and actively look for new demigods. Next thing: how did Willa fight the hellhound? Who helped her? Making her a summer-stay is a nice idea, and I hope there is a story of her that elaborates this backstory.]
COMBAT-RELATED QUESTIONS
Camp: Half-Blood
Weapon of choice: She's not as bad at sword fighting as some other Aphrodite kids, but is still plenty pitiful. She prefers to fight with a simple celestial bronze knife, which she's mediocre at. Give her anything else and she's most likely to give someone a serious injury.
[As I mentioned, I'm not the fan of demigods that are weak fighters. They are modeled to be the modern-day heroes, and they are given a proper combat training. Sure, not all of them have to have skills equal to that of Percy Jackson, but I believe all demigods have innate ability to defend themselves.]
Other weapons: N/A
Powers and Abilities: Charmspeak, but not by very much. She has a little more persuasive power than most people, but it's not very strong.
[BEEP! Red light!... I generally am against Charmspeak, since it can be easily mishandled, but if you want to do this I have to raise those questions: How strong is it? Who does her persuasion work on? Who does it not work on? Also, Charmspeak doesn't have to be her only ability as a child of Aphrodite. In fact, how about Nemakinesis - manipulation of fabric and clothes? It happened when the entire Cabin 10 cursed the Stoll brothers' clothes to be too small. 'Persuasion' can be also linked to Amokinesis, without the need to bring up a rare skill of Charmspeak.]
COMMENTS: I see improvement. I definitely see improvement since your previous submission. The character is definitely far more believable, and there is no need to do the dramatic Chaos plot, is it? But... in your attempt to improve the character, you decided to go minimalist and omit several descriptions that would add more depth to the character. Note this: I don't mind long descriptions - just check my own submission of John Vito Talbot (whom I'm not really proud of, in retrospect, but I think his description provide a lot of insight into the character). Unfortunately, despite the clear improvement, I would like to keep this character where it resides to motivate you to train on your descriptions :)
FINAL JUDGMENT: Elysium
I am SO sorry for your loss. I havent lost too many people in my life, but i have lost enough to know its a horrible thing to go through. Are you going to continue The Original Character Court without her?
5/15/16