The Original Character Court
Shane Robinson
Submitted by: riptide131
Basics
Name: Shane Robinson
Age: 18
Gender: Male
Birthday: April 12, 1996
Ethnicity: White
[That can be any nationality in Eastern Europe until North America (no those are not nationalities, those are locations)]
Hair color: Brown
Eye color: Blue/green
Other physical descriptions: Well built upper body with toned arms.
Height: 5'11"
Weight: 190 lbs
[Makes sense that he's a little heavy given his body build.]
Sexual orientation: Heterosexual
Godly parent: Athena
[Why does he have Brown hair? Athena kids are blonde and they're Riordan's way of making fun of the "dumb-blonde" stereotype. And his eyes should be grey. Demigod children get their godly parents' eye-color]
Mortal parent: Russell Robinson
[How'd he get Athena's attention?]
Other relationships:
Annabeth- Half Sister
Hermes- great grandfather (paternal)
[Wait what. So he's a legacy of Hermes?]
Leo Valdez- follows Shane on his trip (to Shane's dismay)
[What trip? And why'd Shane be dismayed?
Jay Childress- satyr friend from school
Alicia Jones- daughter of Apollo from Cincy that Shane meets and immediately is attracted to.
[Expand on ALL the relationships.]
Personality
Positive traits:
Fatal Flaw: rash decision making: when put under pressure, Shane always does the first thing that comes to him
[Definitely not a characteristic of Athena kids]
Combat-related questions
Camp: Half-Blood
Weapon of choice: Throwing knives: always had a great arm and great accuracy so the fit was natural
[Ancient Greeks didn't use throwing knives.]
Other weapons: Extreme competitiveness drove him to become a more than competent swordsman
[How does the competitiveness come into play? And how did this influence his decision to be a swordsman?]
Powers and Abilities:
Has an amazing way with words almost as effective as charmspeak
[Dude, no. You just had to ruin it by saying "almost as effective as charmspeak". Charmspeak doesn't really have anything to do with how you say things. It's magic. You could say stuff like "is good with words" and/or "a very influential speaker".]
Nearly super-speed (from Hermes)
[Please don't use super speed. You can just say that he's fast and light-footed.]
Genius
[Unnecessary detail. Should be a given because of his parentage.]
Backstory:
(Just used first person in last paragraph cause I just copied and pasted it)
When Shane was a little kid, his dad was scared for his Demi-God sons
[*demigod son's]
life in the big city of Philadelphia, so he sent him to live with his cousins in rural PA. There, Shane went undetected by monsters because of the small population
[on the contrary, it'd make him more easily detected]
and the smell of the farms.
[this makes more sense]
Started high school as tiny freshman, but hit a growth spurt going into sophomore year. From then on, he was the star of the football team. His introverted personality kept him from being a "ladies man" despite his exceptional outward appearance.
[Never describe your characters like that. "Exceptional outward appearance". No. Say something like "despite the fact that a lot of girls find him attractive." Also, do you really understand the difference between an introvert and an extrovert? Just because someone's an introvert, doesn't mean that they can't be what you just said. I'm an introvert but my college relationships, well, let's just say that I got friendly with a bunch of girls. Also, "ladies' man" is such a gross term and has a negative connotation.]
Being a son of Athena paid off big time in classes like history and science, but in math and reading, it was being a demigod.
[You mean "being a demigod in general". For the latter part, not really. Being a son of Athena would pay off in math, science, maybe history. It really depends on the character's interests. Being a demigod would make reading more difficult for him.]
I was the star player of the football team, I had a 3.9 GPA (not bad if you consider my severe ADD), and I was the class president. My success in school and on the field was good enough to warrant a full athletic scholarship to Stanford University.
During the state championship football game, Shane was attacked by monsters and brought to camp half blood by a satyr. It was there that he was claimed by Athena and met his sister Annabeth.
Comments:
I'm not going to lie. Your character is super iffy. Lots of contradictory details. I guess he'd work better if he was a kid of Hermes. Just my opinion. But he's not that bad. Lots of redeeming qualities but yeah. I don't like how you described a lot of things so that dampens them a great deal. The character does have potential. So...
Final judgement: Fields of Asphodel
I was torn between Punishment and Asphodel but I read through everything again and decided that the descriptions were the ones that would bring it down to Punishment but I put suggestions so tada. Asphodel.
Basics
Name: Shane Robinson
Age: 18
Gender: Male
Birthday: April 12, 1996
Ethnicity: White
[That can be any nationality in Eastern Europe until North America (no those are not nationalities, those are locations)]
Hair color: Brown
Eye color: Blue/green
Other physical descriptions: Well built upper body with toned arms.
Height: 5'11"
Weight: 190 lbs
[Makes sense that he's a little heavy given his body build.]
Sexual orientation: Heterosexual
Godly parent: Athena
[Why does he have Brown hair? Athena kids are blonde and they're Riordan's way of making fun of the "dumb-blonde" stereotype. And his eyes should be grey. Demigod children get their godly parents' eye-color]
Mortal parent: Russell Robinson
[How'd he get Athena's attention?]
Other relationships:
Annabeth- Half Sister
Hermes- great grandfather (paternal)
[Wait what. So he's a legacy of Hermes?]
Leo Valdez- follows Shane on his trip (to Shane's dismay)
[What trip? And why'd Shane be dismayed?
Jay Childress- satyr friend from school
Alicia Jones- daughter of Apollo from Cincy that Shane meets and immediately is attracted to.
[Expand on ALL the relationships.]
Personality
Positive traits:
- Great planner: is usually 2 steps ahead of the opposition, good at getting inside enemy's head
- [Given that he's a son of Athena, that makes sense.]
- Very athletic: precision knife thrower, nearly super speed
- [Nearly super speed isn't the right term, dude. Also, precise does not mean accurate.]
- Natural leader: captain and quarterback of football team
- [*groaning*]
- Loyal: not quite percy loyal, but loyal
- [Please don't use other characters to describe your characters. Don't say "percy loyal". Describe the loyality and then say "like Percy". Right now, I don't get what you mean by "Not quite percy loyal, but loyal" It's super vague.]
- Great listener: doesn't usually have too much to say so he spends most conversations really listening to what people are saying
- Stubborn: always thinks that he is right
- Proud: often refuses help or advice
[Makes sense given his parentage] - Mindless: severe ADD makes him zone out often
[uh... Are you sure that's what ADD is?] - Uses his heart not his head or gut in split second decisions
Fatal Flaw: rash decision making: when put under pressure, Shane always does the first thing that comes to him
[Definitely not a characteristic of Athena kids]
Combat-related questions
Camp: Half-Blood
Weapon of choice: Throwing knives: always had a great arm and great accuracy so the fit was natural
[Ancient Greeks didn't use throwing knives.]
Other weapons: Extreme competitiveness drove him to become a more than competent swordsman
[How does the competitiveness come into play? And how did this influence his decision to be a swordsman?]
Powers and Abilities:
Has an amazing way with words almost as effective as charmspeak
[Dude, no. You just had to ruin it by saying "almost as effective as charmspeak". Charmspeak doesn't really have anything to do with how you say things. It's magic. You could say stuff like "is good with words" and/or "a very influential speaker".]
Nearly super-speed (from Hermes)
[Please don't use super speed. You can just say that he's fast and light-footed.]
Genius
[Unnecessary detail. Should be a given because of his parentage.]
Backstory:
(Just used first person in last paragraph cause I just copied and pasted it)
When Shane was a little kid, his dad was scared for his Demi-God sons
[*demigod son's]
life in the big city of Philadelphia, so he sent him to live with his cousins in rural PA. There, Shane went undetected by monsters because of the small population
[on the contrary, it'd make him more easily detected]
and the smell of the farms.
[this makes more sense]
Started high school as tiny freshman, but hit a growth spurt going into sophomore year. From then on, he was the star of the football team. His introverted personality kept him from being a "ladies man" despite his exceptional outward appearance.
[Never describe your characters like that. "Exceptional outward appearance". No. Say something like "despite the fact that a lot of girls find him attractive." Also, do you really understand the difference between an introvert and an extrovert? Just because someone's an introvert, doesn't mean that they can't be what you just said. I'm an introvert but my college relationships, well, let's just say that I got friendly with a bunch of girls. Also, "ladies' man" is such a gross term and has a negative connotation.]
Being a son of Athena paid off big time in classes like history and science, but in math and reading, it was being a demigod.
[You mean "being a demigod in general". For the latter part, not really. Being a son of Athena would pay off in math, science, maybe history. It really depends on the character's interests. Being a demigod would make reading more difficult for him.]
I was the star player of the football team, I had a 3.9 GPA (not bad if you consider my severe ADD), and I was the class president. My success in school and on the field was good enough to warrant a full athletic scholarship to Stanford University.
During the state championship football game, Shane was attacked by monsters and brought to camp half blood by a satyr. It was there that he was claimed by Athena and met his sister Annabeth.
Comments:
I'm not going to lie. Your character is super iffy. Lots of contradictory details. I guess he'd work better if he was a kid of Hermes. Just my opinion. But he's not that bad. Lots of redeeming qualities but yeah. I don't like how you described a lot of things so that dampens them a great deal. The character does have potential. So...
Final judgement: Fields of Asphodel
I was torn between Punishment and Asphodel but I read through everything again and decided that the descriptions were the ones that would bring it down to Punishment but I put suggestions so tada. Asphodel.
I am SO sorry for your loss. I havent lost too many people in my life, but i have lost enough to know its a horrible thing to go through. Are you going to continue The Original Character Court without her?
5/15/16