The Original Character Court
David "Dave" Banner
Submitted by: Striderbro
Basics
Name: David "Dave" Banner
Age: 15
Gender: Male
Birthday: 1/14/00
Ethnicity: Caucasian American
Hair color: Brown
Eye color: Silver or Gray
[Um... what? Stick with gray since that's actually natural.]
Height: 5'8"
Weight: 142 lbs
Other physical descriptions: Shaggy brown hair that is usually in his eyes. He complains and says he'll get it cut but he never does. Eyes glow silver when he's angry or fighting.
[No. Absolutely not. It's a lame attempt to make your OC a "special snowflake". Do Percy's eyes glow when he's angry? No. Do Jason's eyes glow when he's angry? No. Do Nico's eyes glow when he's angry? No. Those are three of the most powerful demigods and they don't have glowing eyes. So what makes them stand out? Their personality, the way they think, etc.,]
Small cleft on his chin from when he was a kid and tripped, busting open his chin. He is very lean and doesn't have a lot of muscle. Dave usually dress[es] in a jean jacket, torn jeans, a plain black tee shirt and nikes. He also has a working mood ring he received from his mother but he doesn't wear that one as often
[Why a mood ring? What's with the mood ring? You know those things aren't magic right? They change color based on a person's skin temperature.]
Sexual orientation: Heterosexual
Godly parent: Selene
[You do know she's a titan, right? Some literature say that she's also a goddess but that's mostly due to mistranslations and/or misunderstandings. (I'm a history major. I'd know) And she's assumed to have faded away so how would she have kids?
Mortal parent: Travis Banner
Other relationships:
Avalon Stevenson-Girlfriend [Wasn't this OC submitted before?]
Personality
Positive traits: Dave is a fun person to be around,
[Let your readers/other characters be the judge of that because of your narration.]
quick to a joke,
[okay]
easy to make you smile.
[See previous comment]
He loves swimming, flying, sword fighting and his awesome girlfriend Avalon Stevenson.
[(1) Those aren't personality traits. (2) Let your narration be the judge of Avalon being an "awesome girlfriend" as you put it.]
He is usually very helpful, he'd do anything for his [friends] and is very loyal.
[An extremely recurring trait in PJO OCs. Hopefully he'll have other traits that will set him apart.]
Negative traits: Quick to a fight, even when he knows he'll lose. Despite being a very fun loving carefree person, he does have anger issues. His mood could change just as easily as the faces of the moon. Not being very strong physically, he sometimes uses his powers to trick or confuse an opponent before attacking from behind.
[This isn't a negative trait. It's a good tactic.]
He doesn't share much about himself, not wanting others to wor[r]y about him.
[Huh. Another cliche. So far, I'm not really feeling anything special about your character in terms of his personality. Here's to hoping that his fatal flaw and backstory will redeem him]
Fears/Phobias: Pyrophobia. He has been scared of fire ever sense his home and his father was burnt to the ground.
[acceptable]
Fatal Flaw: Over confidence. He doesn't usally like to let others help him and likes to play missions solo, thinking he can take on the world single[-]handedly.
[Well, it could complement the "quick to a fight" part. It just feels a little too thin. Like, how can this be used against him? Because overconfidence is a pretty broad trait]
Combat-related questions
[a.k.a. the part that makes or breaks the character]
Camp: Half-Blood
Weapon of choice: Given to him by his father, he uses a spartan hopilate sword hilt.
[(1) It's Hoplite. (2) Saying something is Spartan implies that it's from Sparta since most weapons in Ancient Greece were pretty standard. (3) Just a hilt?
Unbeknownst to most others, the sword hilt is powered by his own abilit[ie]s. When he uses his power, a silver blade extends from the sword hilt, becoming more or less powerful depending on the amount of energy he has.
[What. So it's technically an energy blade powered by his aura? That's very draining.]
Other weapons: A bow he received from his mother with a instant refilling quiver (he does not use as much, as he as not very skilled in archery)
[An instant re-filling quiver. Wow. If he's not skilled in archery, it's impractical for his mother to give him a bow-and-arrow.]
Powers and Abilities: Dave[']s mother is one of three moon goddesses, the others are Hecate and Artemis.
[Moon goddess is mainly Artemis. Hecate's just a "secondary". As in, yes, she can have domain over it but it's not primarily hers.]
Dave inherited three gifts from his mother, illusion, magic and mastery over the shadows. He has attempted to shadow travel but that takes more out of him th[a]n anything else.
David's prefered ability is a illusion he calls "duplicates", perfect magic copies of himself that he uses to outmatch his enemies. Dave duplicates can fight and touch other objects and beings but can not perform magic or last more then 24 hours.
[It would be better if you just kept them as illusions. They can't fight or touch anything but they can be used to confuse the enemy. 24 hours is a long time and fights last a lot less than that. Giving them the ability to fight and use magic is too overpowered.]
This skill is not limitless though, at this point of time, Dave can make about 50 duplicates before they start draining his own magical abilitys.
[50 is a lot. Like I said, keep them at just visual illusions.]
[Expound on the magic bit. Is it spells or are they all non-verbal? And since he can only shadow travel, I wouldn't say "mastery over the shadows" because that implies that he'd be able to control them and apparently, he can't.]
Backstory:
Dave grew up with his father, Travis Banner, in Seattle Washington. Travis was a millionaire weapons manufacturer who made more then just guns. The Banner family descended from some of Selenes priests, most likely the reason she became attracted to him.
[Goddesses/Titans wouldn't want to do anything with their priests or their descendants.]
This gave them the ability to see threw the Mist. Travis Banner made magical weapons for Amazons, Romans and Greeks alike,
[contradicts with canon]
he even made a sword for his son. One day, when David was about 12 years old, he came home to find his home set ablaze, his father being torn apart by a manticore.
[set ablaze by whom? And a manticore would impale him, not tear him apart. Was this just a random monster attack? If it was, why didn't anything happen before?]
After he was found by Will Solace and taken to Camp, he swore he would get stronger and one day avenge his father.
[Um... cliche. Loved one dies. Character wants to get stronger. Character swears to avenge loved one.]
Comments:
Too overpowered. Not enough character development. Not enough explanations. The sword bit is interesting(ish) but not recommended. A simple celestial bronze weapon would be good enough. Physical characteristics are pretty okay but not the whole eye thing.
Final judgement: Fields of Punishment
Basics
Name: David "Dave" Banner
Age: 15
Gender: Male
Birthday: 1/14/00
Ethnicity: Caucasian American
Hair color: Brown
Eye color: Silver or Gray
[Um... what? Stick with gray since that's actually natural.]
Height: 5'8"
Weight: 142 lbs
Other physical descriptions: Shaggy brown hair that is usually in his eyes. He complains and says he'll get it cut but he never does. Eyes glow silver when he's angry or fighting.
[No. Absolutely not. It's a lame attempt to make your OC a "special snowflake". Do Percy's eyes glow when he's angry? No. Do Jason's eyes glow when he's angry? No. Do Nico's eyes glow when he's angry? No. Those are three of the most powerful demigods and they don't have glowing eyes. So what makes them stand out? Their personality, the way they think, etc.,]
Small cleft on his chin from when he was a kid and tripped, busting open his chin. He is very lean and doesn't have a lot of muscle. Dave usually dress[es] in a jean jacket, torn jeans, a plain black tee shirt and nikes. He also has a working mood ring he received from his mother but he doesn't wear that one as often
[Why a mood ring? What's with the mood ring? You know those things aren't magic right? They change color based on a person's skin temperature.]
Sexual orientation: Heterosexual
Godly parent: Selene
[You do know she's a titan, right? Some literature say that she's also a goddess but that's mostly due to mistranslations and/or misunderstandings. (I'm a history major. I'd know) And she's assumed to have faded away so how would she have kids?
Mortal parent: Travis Banner
Other relationships:
Avalon Stevenson-Girlfriend [Wasn't this OC submitted before?]
Personality
Positive traits: Dave is a fun person to be around,
[Let your readers/other characters be the judge of that because of your narration.]
quick to a joke,
[okay]
easy to make you smile.
[See previous comment]
He loves swimming, flying, sword fighting and his awesome girlfriend Avalon Stevenson.
[(1) Those aren't personality traits. (2) Let your narration be the judge of Avalon being an "awesome girlfriend" as you put it.]
He is usually very helpful, he'd do anything for his [friends] and is very loyal.
[An extremely recurring trait in PJO OCs. Hopefully he'll have other traits that will set him apart.]
Negative traits: Quick to a fight, even when he knows he'll lose. Despite being a very fun loving carefree person, he does have anger issues. His mood could change just as easily as the faces of the moon. Not being very strong physically, he sometimes uses his powers to trick or confuse an opponent before attacking from behind.
[This isn't a negative trait. It's a good tactic.]
He doesn't share much about himself, not wanting others to wor[r]y about him.
[Huh. Another cliche. So far, I'm not really feeling anything special about your character in terms of his personality. Here's to hoping that his fatal flaw and backstory will redeem him]
Fears/Phobias: Pyrophobia. He has been scared of fire ever sense his home and his father was burnt to the ground.
[acceptable]
Fatal Flaw: Over confidence. He doesn't usally like to let others help him and likes to play missions solo, thinking he can take on the world single[-]handedly.
[Well, it could complement the "quick to a fight" part. It just feels a little too thin. Like, how can this be used against him? Because overconfidence is a pretty broad trait]
Combat-related questions
[a.k.a. the part that makes or breaks the character]
Camp: Half-Blood
Weapon of choice: Given to him by his father, he uses a spartan hopilate sword hilt.
[(1) It's Hoplite. (2) Saying something is Spartan implies that it's from Sparta since most weapons in Ancient Greece were pretty standard. (3) Just a hilt?
Unbeknownst to most others, the sword hilt is powered by his own abilit[ie]s. When he uses his power, a silver blade extends from the sword hilt, becoming more or less powerful depending on the amount of energy he has.
[What. So it's technically an energy blade powered by his aura? That's very draining.]
Other weapons: A bow he received from his mother with a instant refilling quiver (he does not use as much, as he as not very skilled in archery)
[An instant re-filling quiver. Wow. If he's not skilled in archery, it's impractical for his mother to give him a bow-and-arrow.]
Powers and Abilities: Dave[']s mother is one of three moon goddesses, the others are Hecate and Artemis.
[Moon goddess is mainly Artemis. Hecate's just a "secondary". As in, yes, she can have domain over it but it's not primarily hers.]
Dave inherited three gifts from his mother, illusion, magic and mastery over the shadows. He has attempted to shadow travel but that takes more out of him th[a]n anything else.
David's prefered ability is a illusion he calls "duplicates", perfect magic copies of himself that he uses to outmatch his enemies. Dave duplicates can fight and touch other objects and beings but can not perform magic or last more then 24 hours.
[It would be better if you just kept them as illusions. They can't fight or touch anything but they can be used to confuse the enemy. 24 hours is a long time and fights last a lot less than that. Giving them the ability to fight and use magic is too overpowered.]
This skill is not limitless though, at this point of time, Dave can make about 50 duplicates before they start draining his own magical abilitys.
[50 is a lot. Like I said, keep them at just visual illusions.]
[Expound on the magic bit. Is it spells or are they all non-verbal? And since he can only shadow travel, I wouldn't say "mastery over the shadows" because that implies that he'd be able to control them and apparently, he can't.]
Backstory:
Dave grew up with his father, Travis Banner, in Seattle Washington. Travis was a millionaire weapons manufacturer who made more then just guns. The Banner family descended from some of Selenes priests, most likely the reason she became attracted to him.
[Goddesses/Titans wouldn't want to do anything with their priests or their descendants.]
This gave them the ability to see threw the Mist. Travis Banner made magical weapons for Amazons, Romans and Greeks alike,
[contradicts with canon]
he even made a sword for his son. One day, when David was about 12 years old, he came home to find his home set ablaze, his father being torn apart by a manticore.
[set ablaze by whom? And a manticore would impale him, not tear him apart. Was this just a random monster attack? If it was, why didn't anything happen before?]
After he was found by Will Solace and taken to Camp, he swore he would get stronger and one day avenge his father.
[Um... cliche. Loved one dies. Character wants to get stronger. Character swears to avenge loved one.]
Comments:
Too overpowered. Not enough character development. Not enough explanations. The sword bit is interesting(ish) but not recommended. A simple celestial bronze weapon would be good enough. Physical characteristics are pretty okay but not the whole eye thing.
Final judgement: Fields of Punishment
I am SO sorry for your loss. I havent lost too many people in my life, but i have lost enough to know its a horrible thing to go through. Are you going to continue The Original Character Court without her?
5/15/16