The Original Character Court
David "Dave" Banner (resubmission)
Submitted by: Striderbro
Basics
Name: David "Dave" Banner
Age:16
[Okay so he's older now.]
Gender: Male
Birthday: January 14
Ethnicity: Caucasian American
Hair color: Black
[why'd you change it to black?]
Eye color: Grey
[better]
Height: 5'8"
Weight: 125 lbs
[he's lighter?]
Other physical descriptions: Small crescent shaped tattoo at the point where his jaw meets his ear. Shaggy hair and very thin
Sexual orientation: Bisexual
[Why'd you make him bisexual? Because I like representation? If that's the only reason, I'm gonna be raising my eyebrow at you.]
Personality
Positive traits: Loyal to a fault.
Quick wit, likes to lighten people's moods.
Would protect his freinds with his life.
Good fighter, usually just distracts his opponents before going in for the kill.
[Again, not a personality trait]
Can tell about people easily
[what do you mean tell about people? Their lives? Their personalities? Their loyalties? That can mean many different things.]
Negative traits: Isn't good with taking orders. Or giving them (more the lone wolf type)
His mouth moves faster then his brain, causing him to say things he doesn't mean
Relies too much on his powers and not his own physical skill.
Gets cocky in a fight.
[Interesting, I guess.]
Other Personality traits: [This was left blank. I suggest you expound on his personality here. It helps.]
Fears/Phobias: Pryophobia: fear of fire. Has been scared of fire ever sense his home and father burned to the ground.
Fatal Flaw: Quick to a fight- doesn't think most of the time, only acts. Is more likely to charge head first into a trap then think things threw
[*through]
[Not really quick to a fight. More of, impulsive/reckless. Yeah, it works.]
Family and Background
Godly Parent: Selene (I know, you say she's a Titan, but I'm sticking with it)
[That's not the only reason why I'm saying 'no' to Selene. Did you even pay attention to my review? Let me copy-and-paste what I wrote "And she's assumed to have faded away so how would she have kids?"]
Mortal Parent: Travis Banner
Other relationships: Kira Searle-girlfreind [what happened to Avalon?]
Minnie Campbell- best friend
[Okay he's affiliated with those people. I still don't see how their relationship works. Read the profile of the character before the re-submission. Morgan O'Conner. Read it and hopefully you'll get what I mean by expounding on relationships.]
Backstory: Dave Banner lived in Seattle Washington for twelve years before his home was burned to the ground and he was brought to camp half blood. He has been training for four years with his instructor, Kira Searle before asking her out after two years. They are still dating as of this day. Dave has been on one quest and it led him back to his home. What seemed like a simple trip to trade [what are you doing trading with Amazons?] with some amazons turned into a visit to his burnt home to find a chimera. After killing it in rage, the beast now hunts Banner, any time he leaves the safety of camp attempting to kill him. [Chimeras would take a long time to reform.]
[This backstory is not better than the previous one. Actually, I think the previous one was slightly better since it gave insight on the father as messed up as it was.]
Combat-related questions
Camp: Half Blood
Weapon of choice: Celestial Bronze hoplite sword.
Powers and Abilities: Shadow travel
Illusions- preferably uses exact duplicates of himself to confuse enemies. This skill is not limitless though, duplicates have a limited time they can stay up, about an hour. They can not affect there environment in any way. When killed, they explode in silver powder. Can make twelve at a time without pushing it.
Magic- verbal and non-verbal, most spells consist of illusions and shadows, can make tendril like shadows to grab and/or attack enemies.
Light manipulation- can make small bursts of focus light, like a flash grenade. Also uses hands as human flashlights.
[this one's better, at least.]
Comments:
Not much improvement. Powers and abilities were better but it got negated by what happened to the backstory. Some changes made were unnecessary. Want me to expound on the Selene-thing? Artemis and Apollo were worshiped as the moon and sun gods (respectively) ever since Ancient Greece. Based on The Titan's Curse, Selene and Helios faded shortly before they took full control. That's wayyyyy before the PJO books, before WWII, and before the Roman invasion. TLDR? Kid of Selene isn't possible unless you explain how Selene gets brought back (and that expln. has to make sense).
Final judgement: Still Fields of Punishment
Basics
Name: David "Dave" Banner
Age:16
[Okay so he's older now.]
Gender: Male
Birthday: January 14
Ethnicity: Caucasian American
Hair color: Black
[why'd you change it to black?]
Eye color: Grey
[better]
Height: 5'8"
Weight: 125 lbs
[he's lighter?]
Other physical descriptions: Small crescent shaped tattoo at the point where his jaw meets his ear. Shaggy hair and very thin
Sexual orientation: Bisexual
[Why'd you make him bisexual? Because I like representation? If that's the only reason, I'm gonna be raising my eyebrow at you.]
Personality
Positive traits: Loyal to a fault.
Quick wit, likes to lighten people's moods.
Would protect his freinds with his life.
Good fighter, usually just distracts his opponents before going in for the kill.
[Again, not a personality trait]
Can tell about people easily
[what do you mean tell about people? Their lives? Their personalities? Their loyalties? That can mean many different things.]
Negative traits: Isn't good with taking orders. Or giving them (more the lone wolf type)
His mouth moves faster then his brain, causing him to say things he doesn't mean
Relies too much on his powers and not his own physical skill.
Gets cocky in a fight.
[Interesting, I guess.]
Other Personality traits: [This was left blank. I suggest you expound on his personality here. It helps.]
Fears/Phobias: Pryophobia: fear of fire. Has been scared of fire ever sense his home and father burned to the ground.
Fatal Flaw: Quick to a fight- doesn't think most of the time, only acts. Is more likely to charge head first into a trap then think things threw
[*through]
[Not really quick to a fight. More of, impulsive/reckless. Yeah, it works.]
Family and Background
Godly Parent: Selene (I know, you say she's a Titan, but I'm sticking with it)
[That's not the only reason why I'm saying 'no' to Selene. Did you even pay attention to my review? Let me copy-and-paste what I wrote "And she's assumed to have faded away so how would she have kids?"]
Mortal Parent: Travis Banner
Other relationships: Kira Searle-girlfreind [what happened to Avalon?]
Minnie Campbell- best friend
[Okay he's affiliated with those people. I still don't see how their relationship works. Read the profile of the character before the re-submission. Morgan O'Conner. Read it and hopefully you'll get what I mean by expounding on relationships.]
Backstory: Dave Banner lived in Seattle Washington for twelve years before his home was burned to the ground and he was brought to camp half blood. He has been training for four years with his instructor, Kira Searle before asking her out after two years. They are still dating as of this day. Dave has been on one quest and it led him back to his home. What seemed like a simple trip to trade [what are you doing trading with Amazons?] with some amazons turned into a visit to his burnt home to find a chimera. After killing it in rage, the beast now hunts Banner, any time he leaves the safety of camp attempting to kill him. [Chimeras would take a long time to reform.]
[This backstory is not better than the previous one. Actually, I think the previous one was slightly better since it gave insight on the father as messed up as it was.]
Combat-related questions
Camp: Half Blood
Weapon of choice: Celestial Bronze hoplite sword.
Powers and Abilities: Shadow travel
Illusions- preferably uses exact duplicates of himself to confuse enemies. This skill is not limitless though, duplicates have a limited time they can stay up, about an hour. They can not affect there environment in any way. When killed, they explode in silver powder. Can make twelve at a time without pushing it.
Magic- verbal and non-verbal, most spells consist of illusions and shadows, can make tendril like shadows to grab and/or attack enemies.
Light manipulation- can make small bursts of focus light, like a flash grenade. Also uses hands as human flashlights.
[this one's better, at least.]
Comments:
Not much improvement. Powers and abilities were better but it got negated by what happened to the backstory. Some changes made were unnecessary. Want me to expound on the Selene-thing? Artemis and Apollo were worshiped as the moon and sun gods (respectively) ever since Ancient Greece. Based on The Titan's Curse, Selene and Helios faded shortly before they took full control. That's wayyyyy before the PJO books, before WWII, and before the Roman invasion. TLDR? Kid of Selene isn't possible unless you explain how Selene gets brought back (and that expln. has to make sense).
Final judgement: Still Fields of Punishment
I am SO sorry for your loss. I havent lost too many people in my life, but i have lost enough to know its a horrible thing to go through. Are you going to continue The Original Character Court without her?
5/15/16