The Original Character Court

Well, I've officially taken over. Let's put this train back on trakcs!

Submitted by: Claire Winter

Basics
Name: Rachel Turner
Age: 15
Gender: Female
Birthday: July 13
Ethnicity: English(British) -- Speaks with Estuary English (Type of British accent in case you didn't know)
[Yes, I do. The same one used by David Tennant.]
Hair color: Brown, always in a quick ponytail. She goes for ease and comfort, not style.
Eye color: Chocolate brown
Height: 5'8"
Weight: 122 lbs
[That's about 1.72 m and 55 kilos... My chart says that's balancing the healthy/underweight border. 125 lbs is the lowest possible healthy weight for this height]
Other physical descriptions: Rachel is a physically strong girl, she's well-rounded in terms of fitness and proportion, except for the fact that's she's a bit flat-chested.
[Umm... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't 'well-rounded' imply that there is... significant roundness to be found on her body? With her being underweight, I wouldn't go searching for any sort of roundness.]
Sexual orientation: Bisexual, but shows a preference to girls.
[Hello, representation!... I've always wanted to do that~]

Personality
Positive traits: (Before I begin, note that some negative and positive traits may be put in their opposite categories because they relate to a trait first mentioned. A bit complicated. Hope you get that...?)
[Not at all, but I'm willing to get whatever that is.]
Rachel is extremely self-confident(maybe even a little overconfident). She believes in herself and can back it up. She's also very persistent. When she sets her mind to something, she'll most likely achieve it. At the same time, she also gets extremely frustrated when she can't accomplish something she's tried to do. Rachel is also a huge flirt. Honestly, she's tried to flirt with nearly every person she's met, often ending up in them being a little creeped.
[Instert Captain Jack Harkness GIF here]
Most people used to her and her antics regard it jokingly, though, which it is... most of the time. Rachel is also very decisive, making decisions quickly and efficiently, which makes her a good leader -- but a harsh one(see more in Negative Traits).

[Okay, all I got from here is determined, confident, and flirty. Don't you think that's: a) not a lot, and b) too Generic? Percy is determined and confident, how is Rachel different from him in that regard? Is there a reason behind her confidence? Was she brought up that way? Why is she such a flirt? Is it because she doesn't want to be involved in a serious relationship? If so, why? See, every choice of trait should be backed up by something, otherwise you're making your character a Generic Hero - they're good because they're not evil.]

Negative traits: Rachel is quite talented(in terms of combat), but this talent often times causes her to look down on others, thinking of them as weak or ignorant. It takes a lot for people to prove themselves to her. Not many people tend to like her. She can also be a bit snarky and rude, especially when giving "tips" to people who are lacking in skill with weapons. it's hard for her to understand emotions -- she sees most matters as black and white. The little bit of grey she is able to perceive often isn't enough to help in most situations.

[See, this is way better! There is something good - combat proficiency - but it brings a consequence along with it - minor superiority complex. She's not a bad guy, she just can't handle people. Although this may slightly conflict with the 'flirty' trait, I don't see major flaws in her personality. Just a little more development needed.]

Other Personality traits: n/a
Fears/Phobias: Extremely afraid of failure(for lack of a technical term). (See Fatal Flaw.)

[Yeah, while I can understand that her fear of failure manifests as her rude attitude... Are you sure there isn't more fears? Generally, people don't have just one major phobia; they also have a series of pet peeves - minor things which particulary annoy or scare them.]

Fatal Flaw: Her fear of failure. She may be self-confident, but that doesn't mean she fears failing severely. Normally, in the types of decisions she faces more often, she is able to do it quickly and efficiently. However, there is always that nagging doubt in the back of her mind. She's often worried about being to quick to decide, and she's worried she'll someday make the wrong decision. So if brought to light, her doubts could cause her to come crashing down...

[That's what should've been in the previous section. Fear of failure is definitely a flaw, but it doesn't seem fatal. In Greek plays, the hamartia is a flaw that eventually leads to the person's death. E.g.: Macbeth's hamartia is excessive ambition; his desire to become king eventually ends in a giant bloodbath. Yes, Rachel's fear may lead her into a situation where she fights, even if she has no chances, and it would kill her, but you probably should separate fatal flaws from phobias, as they're not always the same thing.]

Family and Background
Godly Parent: Mars

[Hmm... Her surname, Turner, means 'starling'. Generally, demigods' names are somehow related to their godly parent's aspect of power: Mason, Beauregard, Gardner, etc. Oddly enough, Percy and Annabeth's cases are an exception. I wonder why?]

Mortal Parent: Gwyneth Shields-Turner

[See, this matches. 'Shields' is somehow related to Mars, the lord of battle, who uses shields. Nothing stops you from changing her name to Rachel Shields.]

Other relationships:
Gwyneth Shields-Turner -- Biological mother. Rachel used to love her mother very much, but she felt somewhat betrayed when she found out her mother had been keeping the secret of her Greek [Umm, Roman?] heritage from her. Rachel grew distant from her mother, and hasn't really been talking to her much. She doesn't hate her mother, but she doesn't love her as much as she used to.

[Okay, I assume learning that you are a new generation Roman legionnaire may be something you don't discover every day, but Rachel hold that grudge for five years? Well, it's in-character with her inability to interact with others, but I'm kinda iffy about that.]

Henry Shields -- Step-father. She's got a grudgingly peaceful relationship with him. Her mother remarried three years ago, and since Rachel's been away at camp, she hasn't gotten much of a chance to know him. They don't hate each other, but they don't exactly see eye to eye.

[A minor 'glitch', but if his name is Shields, then shouldn't the mother's name be Turner-Shields? Or is it different in America?]

Tyler Shields - Younger half-brother. He's only one. Rachel doesn't get to see him much. Honestly, she doesn't care. She isn't really good with small children, anyways. She doesn't dislike her little brother, though.

Coltin Sanders- Son of Venus. At first, he and Rachel started off as bitter rivals. Rachel was somewhat biased because of his godly heritage, but soon learned that one shouldn't judge based on parentage. They fought often in training, with Rachel only ceasing to be biased after he bested her multiple times. He remains to this day one of the only people who can match Rachel's skill.

[Well, it's pretty much in-character; you didn't describe them as friends, or destined-to-be lovers. Fine by me.]

Backstory: Rachel was born in Gloucester, England, where she lived for five years before moving to a town in Oregon. She never lost the Estuary English accent she picked up. Her childhood was a fairly quiet, undisturbed one. It was one of the more peaceful childhoods that a demigod could hope for. Her mother was fully aware of Rachel's demigod heritage, and planned and followed through with telling Rachel at age ten. However, Rachel didn't take it too well. She felt somewhat betrayed, and has grown distant from her mother. Her mother took her to Camp Jupiter soon after, where she was accepted and has been training for five years, climbing in rank to eventually rest as a Centurion of the Third Cohort.

[*cringe* The backstory, although brief and logical, is very poor. Feels a bit rushed, if you ask me. So, when she was five, she moved to Oregon; that's fine. I'm not a language expert (yet), but I find it pretty difficult to believe that a young child would be able to keep her accent. Remember Sadie Kane from the Egyptian series? She was six when she moved to London from California, and eventually lost the American accent. When we meet her in the series, she's twelve and speaks RP.

Another thing - peaceful childhood. Even if she wasn't attacked by monsters for those five years, there had to be some events where she felt 'the disturbance in the Force'. Or maybe it was her mother that was panicking, because she kept seeing monsters everywhere? Next, how did Gwyneth knew about Camp Jupiter? I assume you didn't want to make the backstory too long here, but doing so you left it with many gaping holes.]

Combat-related questions
Camp: Camp Jupiter
Number of years, and Cohort: Five years, Centurion of the Third Cohort.
Weapon of choice: Rachel wields a simple but well-balanced Imperial Gold sword. It has no extra powers or features, it was simply obtained in Camp Jupiter's forgery. She did have one of the Vulcan kids engrave her initials at the bottom of the blade, though. The hilt is steel and the handle is wrapped in leather. She fights extremely well with it.
Other weapons: Rachel keeps a small, tightly sealed vial of Greek fire tucked away for emergencies. She obtained it when she took a small group to Camp Half-Blood for a routine visit -- after the Giant war, visits become frequent to keep the peace.

[That is true, and I don't have problems with her using Greek Fire, although keeping it close to her body (as I assumed here) would be risky. Also, if it's a vial small enough to conceal it, it wouldn't be able to do a lot of damage; Greek Fire is strong, but quantity is also needed.]

Powers and Abilities: No godly powers. Her talent in combat is enough to keep her on her feet and fighting.

[Oh my... I salute you, dear author! You've took the 'powers-are-not-everything' path. It is so rarely seen, I can't believe it's working so well. You, dear submitter, have my respect!]

Comments: ...clap. Clap... Clap. Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap...



I really enjoyed that. There are some minor cracks, which need just more development, but overall I have a positive feeling about Ms. Turner. I feel like the sentence is justified.

Final judgement: Elysium.

Notes

Although I gave this one 'Elysium', Ms. Turner is knock-knock-knockin' on the Isles' door. One more push, and she's ready to enter the chosen few.