Writing Reviews and Rants
"I'm Always Here" Critique
Depth: 2
Harshness: 2
________________________
Just a note: Sometimes, I’ll make a correction that doesn’t really need to be corrected, but that is just not how I would have written it. It may just be a part of your writing style, and I misinterpreted it. So just consider each comment, and decide for yourself if it really needs to be changed. I do my best to review from the perspective of a reader AND a writer.
Cover: Very nice! I like how naturally the pictures blend. The quote is good too. No awkward photoshopping or anything like that.
Summary: Interesting, mysterious, and just the right length. Some of the wording is slightly awkward, but not enough to make any sort of huge difference.
Prologue: (You spelled Prologue wrong by the way. It's "Prologue", not "Prolouge) Hmm...It's a well-written little bit, but I'm not sure if it's a good thing to have as your prologue. Prologues are generally a no-no in writing. It's considered a somewhat lazy way to start your story, and most readers see "Prologue" and automatically skip over it (I am guilty of this also.) No matter how good your prologue may be, the word itself has gained a connotation that screams "skip me, I'm filled with boring, unnecessary information." Whether or not that's true, that's the first impression that it gives, and that's what most readers will likely be thinking.
As a stand-alone, I'd say it's very well written. Intriguing, mysterious, and spiking curiosity. However, I have done a lot of research on when a prologue is appropriate and when it is not, and I have found two rules of thumb for determining:
1- If you were to rename the prologue as "Chapter 1", would it negatively affect the story at all? If not, then do so.
2- If you were to completely get rid of the prologue, would it detract from the rest of your story at all? If not, then the prologue is unnecessary
In this case, I think it would be good for you to put this at the top of your summary in quotations, like how they do it on back-of-the-book blurbs: the quote right before the summary.
Extreme Grammar Nazi-ing:
- "no one", not "no-one", in my opinion
- Okay, I myself am pretty bad with over-using adverbs, but I feel like "suckingly" is a bit over the top. You can emphasize the blackness of her hair without creating brand-new words for it.
Chapter 1: (I will write down my thoughts on the chapter as I read it, at the exact moment I have them, with a summary at the end)
-Okay, good first sentence. However, I've noticed that just about every first-person book in existence begins with "I [insert verb here]ed...". There's nothing wrong with that, but to me it's a bit of a cliche opening. The most memorable openings are those that have a strange or funny ring to it. To quote the opening of "The Last Olympian: "The end of the world started when a pegasus landed on the hood of my car."
-"oh so popular" to "oh-so-popular"
-Nice description of friend
-I feel like if you were to change "frightening" to "terrifying", then it would have more of a sarcastic-but-still-so-true feeling to it
-I love their interactions. "ever-loving gods" LOL
-Wuh oh. I can already tell: Poseidon kid. But hey, I won't judge. I do big three kids too. XD
-"It might seem boring to some, even I found it to drag in some parts, but it was a fascinating tale...." to "It might seem boring to some -- even I found it to drag in some parts -- but it was a fascinating tale..."
-Good ending. Chapters are short, so I can't expect a cliffhanger for each. But honestly, fan fictions do better with short chapters. Something I could do to learn. XP
Summary: Good read! Very few grammatical mistakes. Enjoyed it! I'd keep reading.
Chapter 2:
-1st sentence sounded much better not starting with an "I action".
-"a male voice asked behind me" should actually be either "a male voice behind me asked" OR "asked a masculine-sounding voice from behind me."
-Xander...very cool. Love it!
- CONNECTION POINT: HOMESCHOOLED OMG I'M HOMESCHOOLED TOO
-I can SOOO see you shipping them. I'm sure I will too.
Summary: Not bad. Felt a bit rushed, and character development is not as far along as it could be. Granted, this appears to be more of a short fan fic than a novella fan fic, so if that is the case, then I'd say you're doing pretty well!
Chapter 3:
-Decent...I don't know what it is about that word, but I've always loved it. It's one of my favs for some weird reason...
-Well...I feel like you're doing maybe a little too much description. "ratty hair, freezing shower, icy water, pale legs, wet fingers, stringy hair, impossible tangles..." It's all gooddescription -- very good, at that -- but it doesn't leave very much open to the reader's interpretation.
-"bony" feels like unnecessary description.
-"Let's just say I have a healthy obsession with the color black." LOL I AM SO GOING TO STEAL THAT QUOTE FROM YOU.
-"fell" is past tense. It should be "falls". Same with "straightened" and "was completely empty". They should be "straighten" and "is completely empty. Watch your tenses.
-"straightened up"...should just be "straightened." It's assumed that if you straighten, you're straightening up. Not like you can straighten down.
-CONNECTION POINT: I HATE THAT FEELING TOO...same with sunscreen and various other beauty products, which is why I literally never wear them.
-I just love that picture..."my brush, which I brandish in front of me when I whip my door open." Hilarious!
-The infamous "Nothing, mom." Lol!
-CREEPY
-"panic" not "panicked". Tenses again.
-O.O WHOA WHAT JUST HAPPENED.
Summary: MUST. READ. NEXT. CHAPTER!!!
Chapter 4:
-"The Incident"...I love calling things "the incident". XD
-Good description. Not too specific, not to vague.
-"It didn't work too well." Oh, it didn't?
-"saccharine". Nice use of vocab
-"Just a little". Only a LITTLE
-TYPO: "goo" not "good"
-Note: You made the whole chapter past tense on accident. Go through your story and make sure you're consistent with your tenses.
Summary:
.
.
.
.
.
WHAT THE FRICK TELL ME WHAT HAPPENS!!!
Chapter 5:
-Wait...if the shadowman is standing right behind her, why would she back up?
-Hmm...who is this strange boy? Curiousity level 500!
Chapter 6:
-You've already used annoying to describe him more than once. Just saying
-"I still have 4 minutes and 27 seconds" BURNNNNN
-Wait, best friend a shape-shifter? This is new...
-Better character development here. *thumbs up*
OVERALL SUMMARY:
Very, very good! You are great with vocabulary, and your description -- while maybe a bit too frequent -- is vivid and accurate. I love your character's snark, but so far, there hasn't been enough real character development to really tell me much about who she is, or how she's different (personality wise) than just any girl you'd meet. I find a good way to develop character in the first person is to spend a little more time inside the character's head: tell more about how she feels about certain things, how they relate to past experiences, and more about her thought processes. Just what makes her unique. As long as you don't go overboard with being in her head, as is very easy to do, then it could help quite a lot. Ash looks intriguing, and I am interested to see how their relationship plays out. However, the whole Xander situation feels a bit rushed. Also a bit vague. We saw no reason for anything him to do something like that, and there was no foreshadowing whatsoever. And maybe that's a good thing, but I don't know yet, as there are only these few chapters to go off of. Biggest thing is that you continually switched verb tenses, and that can get very confusing.
In total, I'd give it a 7/10. Will subscribe and read more as it comes! =)
Harshness: 2
________________________
Just a note: Sometimes, I’ll make a correction that doesn’t really need to be corrected, but that is just not how I would have written it. It may just be a part of your writing style, and I misinterpreted it. So just consider each comment, and decide for yourself if it really needs to be changed. I do my best to review from the perspective of a reader AND a writer.
Cover: Very nice! I like how naturally the pictures blend. The quote is good too. No awkward photoshopping or anything like that.
Summary: Interesting, mysterious, and just the right length. Some of the wording is slightly awkward, but not enough to make any sort of huge difference.
Prologue: (You spelled Prologue wrong by the way. It's "Prologue", not "Prolouge) Hmm...It's a well-written little bit, but I'm not sure if it's a good thing to have as your prologue. Prologues are generally a no-no in writing. It's considered a somewhat lazy way to start your story, and most readers see "Prologue" and automatically skip over it (I am guilty of this also.) No matter how good your prologue may be, the word itself has gained a connotation that screams "skip me, I'm filled with boring, unnecessary information." Whether or not that's true, that's the first impression that it gives, and that's what most readers will likely be thinking.
As a stand-alone, I'd say it's very well written. Intriguing, mysterious, and spiking curiosity. However, I have done a lot of research on when a prologue is appropriate and when it is not, and I have found two rules of thumb for determining:
1- If you were to rename the prologue as "Chapter 1", would it negatively affect the story at all? If not, then do so.
2- If you were to completely get rid of the prologue, would it detract from the rest of your story at all? If not, then the prologue is unnecessary
In this case, I think it would be good for you to put this at the top of your summary in quotations, like how they do it on back-of-the-book blurbs: the quote right before the summary.
Extreme Grammar Nazi-ing:
- "no one", not "no-one", in my opinion
- Okay, I myself am pretty bad with over-using adverbs, but I feel like "suckingly" is a bit over the top. You can emphasize the blackness of her hair without creating brand-new words for it.
Chapter 1: (I will write down my thoughts on the chapter as I read it, at the exact moment I have them, with a summary at the end)
-Okay, good first sentence. However, I've noticed that just about every first-person book in existence begins with "I [insert verb here]ed...". There's nothing wrong with that, but to me it's a bit of a cliche opening. The most memorable openings are those that have a strange or funny ring to it. To quote the opening of "The Last Olympian: "The end of the world started when a pegasus landed on the hood of my car."
-"oh so popular" to "oh-so-popular"
-Nice description of friend
-I feel like if you were to change "frightening" to "terrifying", then it would have more of a sarcastic-but-still-so-true feeling to it
-I love their interactions. "ever-loving gods" LOL
-Wuh oh. I can already tell: Poseidon kid. But hey, I won't judge. I do big three kids too. XD
-"It might seem boring to some, even I found it to drag in some parts, but it was a fascinating tale...." to "It might seem boring to some -- even I found it to drag in some parts -- but it was a fascinating tale..."
-Good ending. Chapters are short, so I can't expect a cliffhanger for each. But honestly, fan fictions do better with short chapters. Something I could do to learn. XP
Summary: Good read! Very few grammatical mistakes. Enjoyed it! I'd keep reading.
Chapter 2:
-1st sentence sounded much better not starting with an "I action".
-"a male voice asked behind me" should actually be either "a male voice behind me asked" OR "asked a masculine-sounding voice from behind me."
-Xander...very cool. Love it!
- CONNECTION POINT: HOMESCHOOLED OMG I'M HOMESCHOOLED TOO
-I can SOOO see you shipping them. I'm sure I will too.
Summary: Not bad. Felt a bit rushed, and character development is not as far along as it could be. Granted, this appears to be more of a short fan fic than a novella fan fic, so if that is the case, then I'd say you're doing pretty well!
Chapter 3:
-Decent...I don't know what it is about that word, but I've always loved it. It's one of my favs for some weird reason...
-Well...I feel like you're doing maybe a little too much description. "ratty hair, freezing shower, icy water, pale legs, wet fingers, stringy hair, impossible tangles..." It's all gooddescription -- very good, at that -- but it doesn't leave very much open to the reader's interpretation.
-"bony" feels like unnecessary description.
-"Let's just say I have a healthy obsession with the color black." LOL I AM SO GOING TO STEAL THAT QUOTE FROM YOU.
-"fell" is past tense. It should be "falls". Same with "straightened" and "was completely empty". They should be "straighten" and "is completely empty. Watch your tenses.
-"straightened up"...should just be "straightened." It's assumed that if you straighten, you're straightening up. Not like you can straighten down.
-CONNECTION POINT: I HATE THAT FEELING TOO...same with sunscreen and various other beauty products, which is why I literally never wear them.
-I just love that picture..."my brush, which I brandish in front of me when I whip my door open." Hilarious!
-The infamous "Nothing, mom." Lol!
-CREEPY
-"panic" not "panicked". Tenses again.
-O.O WHOA WHAT JUST HAPPENED.
Summary: MUST. READ. NEXT. CHAPTER!!!
Chapter 4:
-"The Incident"...I love calling things "the incident". XD
-Good description. Not too specific, not to vague.
-"It didn't work too well." Oh, it didn't?
-"saccharine". Nice use of vocab
-"Just a little". Only a LITTLE
-TYPO: "goo" not "good"
-Note: You made the whole chapter past tense on accident. Go through your story and make sure you're consistent with your tenses.
Summary:
.
.
.
.
.
WHAT THE FRICK TELL ME WHAT HAPPENS!!!
Chapter 5:
-Wait...if the shadowman is standing right behind her, why would she back up?
-Hmm...who is this strange boy? Curiousity level 500!
Chapter 6:
-You've already used annoying to describe him more than once. Just saying
-"I still have 4 minutes and 27 seconds" BURNNNNN
-Wait, best friend a shape-shifter? This is new...
-Better character development here. *thumbs up*
OVERALL SUMMARY:
Very, very good! You are great with vocabulary, and your description -- while maybe a bit too frequent -- is vivid and accurate. I love your character's snark, but so far, there hasn't been enough real character development to really tell me much about who she is, or how she's different (personality wise) than just any girl you'd meet. I find a good way to develop character in the first person is to spend a little more time inside the character's head: tell more about how she feels about certain things, how they relate to past experiences, and more about her thought processes. Just what makes her unique. As long as you don't go overboard with being in her head, as is very easy to do, then it could help quite a lot. Ash looks intriguing, and I am interested to see how their relationship plays out. However, the whole Xander situation feels a bit rushed. Also a bit vague. We saw no reason for anything him to do something like that, and there was no foreshadowing whatsoever. And maybe that's a good thing, but I don't know yet, as there are only these few chapters to go off of. Biggest thing is that you continually switched verb tenses, and that can get very confusing.
In total, I'd give it a 7/10. Will subscribe and read more as it comes! =)
Notes
GOSHNESS IT'S MIDNIGHT I HAVE MIDTERMS TOMORROW OH NO I NEED TO SLEEP ACK GOODNIGHT. XD
Can you please review my story "The Will of The Gods" with a depth of 3 and a harshness of 3? It is yet to be completed so please tack that into account. Thank you!
12/15/19