Writing Reviews and Rants
"The Runner" Review
Depth: 2
Harshness: 2
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Just a note: Sometimes, I’ll make a correction that doesn’t really need to be corrected, but that is just not how I would have written it. It may just be a part of your writing style, and I misinterpreted it. So just consider each comment, and decide for yourself if it really needs to be changed. I do my best to review from the perspective of a reader AND a writer.
Cover: Hmm...I’m not sure exactly what I think of the cover yet. It’s well designed, and the font is not too blocky or cliche, but the picture could either be perfect or just too contradictory. I mean, it’s titled “The Runner”, but the girl on the cover is doing the exact opposite...sitting. This could be intentional irony, or just a slip-up, but either way, I have to read it before I can get any real idea on what I think.
Exordium: One part of me likes it: for its simplicity, vagueness, and intrigue; while the other half dislikes it: its mystery doesn’t let you really know anything as to what the story is actually about, and its redundancy. You run. Obviously you’re a runner.
Blurb: Same thing as the exordium. I think the best way to improve this is to keep it as it is, but put it in quotes and attach even just a small paragraph that explains at least a little bit more as to what the story is about. To be honest, I wouldn’t read it based on just the summary because while it is interesting, it gives too little information.
Chapter Titles: I think having one word chapter titles is very creative. It takes a good vocabulary to come up with the right word for each chapter, I’d assume, so good job!
Style/Description:
-(Chapter 1) By “The Month Before”, I get the impression that this is your way of saying “This is the prologue, but I’m not going to call it that because if I do then everyone will skip over it.” Ingenius. While time skips can be awkward, a month is not enough to make any sort of huge difference.
-Your description, vocabulary, and overall style is amazing. I’d definitely keep reading. Not too awkward, not too descriptive, but just in the right place to keep the flow of the story going. Exceptional work!
-Your narrative style is what I see most people attempting to pull off, but failing miserably at. So congrads! You pull it off very well. The whole thing flows very naturally and makes it all the more enjoyable.
-(Chapter 8) Very funny chapter! Enjoyed it very much.
-(Chapter 9) Amazing description! Very vivid, creates the perfect sense of actually being there. Use of vocab--you know what, screw explanations. This is just a plain awesome chapter! *highfive*
-(Chapter 13) (This part is a completely irrelevant fan girl moment on my part) MAORI YES!!! I don’t know any, but one of my favorite fandoms’ native language is based off of Maori.
-(Chapter 14) No wonder your descriptions are so good! You’re writing it about your home! That is so cool. I’ve always heard that writing what you know is the best way to do it, but you’ve put a whole new spin on it! New Zealand is a beautiful country. I’ve seen a lot of pictures of the place, and it looks like it’d be an amazing place to visit. I even hear LOTR was filmed there. It’s the perfect setting for your book. Nice!
-(Chapter 15) “"I'm sorry let me just book a ticket back to the USA on the plane that isn't here with the money I don't have."” -- Buuuuuuurn. Very nice. I LOVE sassy characters.
-(Chapter 18) The claiming scene is very well done.
-(Chapter 24) The description in this scene is exceptionally well done. Also very vivid and well written.
Grammar/Structure:
-Very few spelling errors, only the occasional typos. Nice job! *thumbs up*
-Watch your tenses. You switched from past to present a few times.
-I noticed that there were several cases of repetitiveness in terms of word usage. I know the story’s about running, but you used the phrase WAY too many times. There are other words for running (like I saw you use “sprint” once, but the general use of “ran” is still over the top). It began to get annoying, the number of times “I run. That’s what I do.” was written. It’s a fine line, but not good or necessary enough to be used eight times per chapter.
-Also, parallelism was a bit over-used. I think there were only a few instances of this, though, that really stood out as awkward-reading to me. When you write in first person, it’s extremely difficult to avoid excessive parallelism, so I completely understand the usage need, but it can be avoided, with a critical eye and little practice. If you don’t know what parallelism is, it’s basically just when the form of two sentences are identical. My most basic example, and the one I saw used the most here, is, as I call them, the “I actioned” phrases. (I ran, I jumped, I opened, I hoped, etc.) Again, these are very hard to avoid in first person writing, and it’s not that they should be -- parallelism is actually a good thing -- but a bunch of those phrases lined up adjacently creates an awkward sense of repetitiveness that could be categorized as excessive parallelism. It’s all fine in poetry, but in narrative fiction, it’s just annoying. And don’t get me wrong: I do it to. I don’t know a single writer not guilty of it. But I’m just pointing it out so maybe you can see it and have a shot at fixing it.
I find the best way to help break up the sentences from that awkwardness is to interject thoughts, both in active (“‘This is bad,’ I thought”) and narrative (“This was bad”) form. You can kill two birds with one stone using this technique, as it also helps the reader better understand what’s going on in your character’s head (character development).
-(After Chapter 2) Punctuation and sentence structure are a bit off in these chapters, making it somewhat awkward to read and understand the inflections correctly without having to reread parts of it. Consider revising.
-(Chapter 7) A few run-ons here. Consider revising.
Plot/Character Development:
-(Chapter 1) I find it slightly hard to believe that she would be able to get that far in a life of maternal abuse without someone noticing and some sort of action being taken to prevent it. It’s not impossible, just very unlikely. Maybe to make it more realistic, you could have it that she ran away because she was about to be sent to a foster home, and she didn’t want to stay with her mom OR go to a new home, so she decided running away would be best. While it’s not a prominent part of the story, I just thought it might be worth pointing out.
-(Chapter 2) Very good character development. The dialogue between Cordelia and Jim goes a long way as the first steps of showing us who your main character is, and her current situation at camp.
-(Chapter 2) This may also not be extremely relevant, but I find it hard to believe that she would become such an exceptional gymnast within a month of CHB training. If you were to at some point put in a bit of backstory for her -- maybe she’s taken gymnastics or tumbling for years -- then it would all make sense.
-(Chapter 3) The sniggers and whispers behind Cordelia’s back also help to emphasize how hard a time she seems to be having at camp. I think the concept of her not feeling like she fits in anywhere is a good thing to elaborate on: but I assume you have, considering the book’s namesake.
-(Chapter 4) I feel like there is a bit of contradictoriness here. She made is sound like she was a complete and total outcast, when in fact she does have friends, as she stated. It almost seems like she is so wrapped up in her thoughts of being ostracized, it’s become a self-fulfilling prophecy. When it looked at first like she was the victim, the way she treated Jim surprised me. I felt like she should have been startled and maybe somewhat flattered if not comforted, but instead she snubbed him. I don’t know if it was out of the anger of the moment (her anger, if it was present, was not very clearly displayed, and it was hard to decipher if she was angry or just being mean), or if she herself is in fact one of the main reasons no one wants to be friends with her (her perception of reality may be kinda off), but unless that is cleared up some, there is some major inconsistency in terms of character development there.
-(Chapter 7) If the duct tape and plastic bags weren’t enough to keep out a draft, how could they keep out this “imminent storm”?
-(Chapter 17) Very good on character development of her new friends.
-(Chapter 22) I see where you’re going with this. All of her friends will probably be claimed before her, and she’ll start to feel left out, then POOF! Plot twist: her parent is [SPOILERS]!
OVERALL SUMMARY:
-Maybe add a little more detail about her time in camp pre-running away the first time.
-General editing to correct grammar and punctuation mistakes
-Plot sags a bit in the middle, but seems to be picking back up again.
-Maybe consider going a bit more in-depth about your character(s), just to help the reader relate to her (them) more
-Fantastinomical description skills! You’ve got me jealous.
-Your style is great, flow is natural. You’ve got something special on your hands.
All considered, I am currently giving it a 7/10! Good job! I’d be willing to do a line-edit on this one (even though it’s over my chapter limit) if you ever wanted one. I hope this review has helped you some! I have subscribed and will read more as it comes out. Thanks for requesting a review.
Harshness: 2
________________________
Just a note: Sometimes, I’ll make a correction that doesn’t really need to be corrected, but that is just not how I would have written it. It may just be a part of your writing style, and I misinterpreted it. So just consider each comment, and decide for yourself if it really needs to be changed. I do my best to review from the perspective of a reader AND a writer.
Cover: Hmm...I’m not sure exactly what I think of the cover yet. It’s well designed, and the font is not too blocky or cliche, but the picture could either be perfect or just too contradictory. I mean, it’s titled “The Runner”, but the girl on the cover is doing the exact opposite...sitting. This could be intentional irony, or just a slip-up, but either way, I have to read it before I can get any real idea on what I think.
Exordium: One part of me likes it: for its simplicity, vagueness, and intrigue; while the other half dislikes it: its mystery doesn’t let you really know anything as to what the story is actually about, and its redundancy. You run. Obviously you’re a runner.
Blurb: Same thing as the exordium. I think the best way to improve this is to keep it as it is, but put it in quotes and attach even just a small paragraph that explains at least a little bit more as to what the story is about. To be honest, I wouldn’t read it based on just the summary because while it is interesting, it gives too little information.
Chapter Titles: I think having one word chapter titles is very creative. It takes a good vocabulary to come up with the right word for each chapter, I’d assume, so good job!
Style/Description:
-(Chapter 1) By “The Month Before”, I get the impression that this is your way of saying “This is the prologue, but I’m not going to call it that because if I do then everyone will skip over it.” Ingenius. While time skips can be awkward, a month is not enough to make any sort of huge difference.
-Your description, vocabulary, and overall style is amazing. I’d definitely keep reading. Not too awkward, not too descriptive, but just in the right place to keep the flow of the story going. Exceptional work!
-Your narrative style is what I see most people attempting to pull off, but failing miserably at. So congrads! You pull it off very well. The whole thing flows very naturally and makes it all the more enjoyable.
-(Chapter 8) Very funny chapter! Enjoyed it very much.
-(Chapter 9) Amazing description! Very vivid, creates the perfect sense of actually being there. Use of vocab--you know what, screw explanations. This is just a plain awesome chapter! *highfive*
-(Chapter 13) (This part is a completely irrelevant fan girl moment on my part) MAORI YES!!! I don’t know any, but one of my favorite fandoms’ native language is based off of Maori.
-(Chapter 14) No wonder your descriptions are so good! You’re writing it about your home! That is so cool. I’ve always heard that writing what you know is the best way to do it, but you’ve put a whole new spin on it! New Zealand is a beautiful country. I’ve seen a lot of pictures of the place, and it looks like it’d be an amazing place to visit. I even hear LOTR was filmed there. It’s the perfect setting for your book. Nice!
-(Chapter 15) “"I'm sorry let me just book a ticket back to the USA on the plane that isn't here with the money I don't have."” -- Buuuuuuurn. Very nice. I LOVE sassy characters.
-(Chapter 18) The claiming scene is very well done.
-(Chapter 24) The description in this scene is exceptionally well done. Also very vivid and well written.
Grammar/Structure:
-Very few spelling errors, only the occasional typos. Nice job! *thumbs up*
-Watch your tenses. You switched from past to present a few times.
-I noticed that there were several cases of repetitiveness in terms of word usage. I know the story’s about running, but you used the phrase WAY too many times. There are other words for running (like I saw you use “sprint” once, but the general use of “ran” is still over the top). It began to get annoying, the number of times “I run. That’s what I do.” was written. It’s a fine line, but not good or necessary enough to be used eight times per chapter.
-Also, parallelism was a bit over-used. I think there were only a few instances of this, though, that really stood out as awkward-reading to me. When you write in first person, it’s extremely difficult to avoid excessive parallelism, so I completely understand the usage need, but it can be avoided, with a critical eye and little practice. If you don’t know what parallelism is, it’s basically just when the form of two sentences are identical. My most basic example, and the one I saw used the most here, is, as I call them, the “I actioned” phrases. (I ran, I jumped, I opened, I hoped, etc.) Again, these are very hard to avoid in first person writing, and it’s not that they should be -- parallelism is actually a good thing -- but a bunch of those phrases lined up adjacently creates an awkward sense of repetitiveness that could be categorized as excessive parallelism. It’s all fine in poetry, but in narrative fiction, it’s just annoying. And don’t get me wrong: I do it to. I don’t know a single writer not guilty of it. But I’m just pointing it out so maybe you can see it and have a shot at fixing it.
I find the best way to help break up the sentences from that awkwardness is to interject thoughts, both in active (“‘This is bad,’ I thought”) and narrative (“This was bad”) form. You can kill two birds with one stone using this technique, as it also helps the reader better understand what’s going on in your character’s head (character development).
-(After Chapter 2) Punctuation and sentence structure are a bit off in these chapters, making it somewhat awkward to read and understand the inflections correctly without having to reread parts of it. Consider revising.
-(Chapter 7) A few run-ons here. Consider revising.
Plot/Character Development:
-(Chapter 1) I find it slightly hard to believe that she would be able to get that far in a life of maternal abuse without someone noticing and some sort of action being taken to prevent it. It’s not impossible, just very unlikely. Maybe to make it more realistic, you could have it that she ran away because she was about to be sent to a foster home, and she didn’t want to stay with her mom OR go to a new home, so she decided running away would be best. While it’s not a prominent part of the story, I just thought it might be worth pointing out.
-(Chapter 2) Very good character development. The dialogue between Cordelia and Jim goes a long way as the first steps of showing us who your main character is, and her current situation at camp.
-(Chapter 2) This may also not be extremely relevant, but I find it hard to believe that she would become such an exceptional gymnast within a month of CHB training. If you were to at some point put in a bit of backstory for her -- maybe she’s taken gymnastics or tumbling for years -- then it would all make sense.
-(Chapter 3) The sniggers and whispers behind Cordelia’s back also help to emphasize how hard a time she seems to be having at camp. I think the concept of her not feeling like she fits in anywhere is a good thing to elaborate on: but I assume you have, considering the book’s namesake.
-(Chapter 4) I feel like there is a bit of contradictoriness here. She made is sound like she was a complete and total outcast, when in fact she does have friends, as she stated. It almost seems like she is so wrapped up in her thoughts of being ostracized, it’s become a self-fulfilling prophecy. When it looked at first like she was the victim, the way she treated Jim surprised me. I felt like she should have been startled and maybe somewhat flattered if not comforted, but instead she snubbed him. I don’t know if it was out of the anger of the moment (her anger, if it was present, was not very clearly displayed, and it was hard to decipher if she was angry or just being mean), or if she herself is in fact one of the main reasons no one wants to be friends with her (her perception of reality may be kinda off), but unless that is cleared up some, there is some major inconsistency in terms of character development there.
-(Chapter 7) If the duct tape and plastic bags weren’t enough to keep out a draft, how could they keep out this “imminent storm”?
-(Chapter 17) Very good on character development of her new friends.
-(Chapter 22) I see where you’re going with this. All of her friends will probably be claimed before her, and she’ll start to feel left out, then POOF! Plot twist: her parent is [SPOILERS]!
OVERALL SUMMARY:
-Maybe add a little more detail about her time in camp pre-running away the first time.
-General editing to correct grammar and punctuation mistakes
-Plot sags a bit in the middle, but seems to be picking back up again.
-Maybe consider going a bit more in-depth about your character(s), just to help the reader relate to her (them) more
-Fantastinomical description skills! You’ve got me jealous.
-Your style is great, flow is natural. You’ve got something special on your hands.
All considered, I am currently giving it a 7/10! Good job! I’d be willing to do a line-edit on this one (even though it’s over my chapter limit) if you ever wanted one. I hope this review has helped you some! I have subscribed and will read more as it comes out. Thanks for requesting a review.
Can you please review my story "The Will of The Gods" with a depth of 3 and a harshness of 3? It is yet to be completed so please tack that into account. Thank you!
12/15/19